Title: Realize
Chapter: Eleven
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Again, thank you all so much for stopping by and commenting. I love hearing from you. Thank you! ~Ali
Elena was so excited to get to her Tae Kwon Do class the following week. She honestly felt the double date was a success and while there were some awkward moments, overall, she knew that Van was starting to get used to the idea of her and Jake dating. The reason for her excitement was Amy. She genuinely liked the other girl and thought she could be good for Van.
Jake had a late taping day at the studio, so he would miss that evening’s class. In a way, Elena thought it was a good thing. Jake had been a little awkward around Amy, and Elena thought his presence might hinder any chance Elena had to talk to Amy.
When Amy walked into the classroom, her eyes immediately fell on Elena. She had been dreading this class. She didn’t think she would be able to look Jake in the eye, not after learning about Van’s feelings and their decision to keep it hidden from Elena.
Van and Amy had gone out again, but both knowing that whatever relationship they would have, it would have to be friendship, some of the excitement and giddiness had been defused. Amy offered to be Van’s friend, to listen if he needed it, but Van had immediately closed up, not able to talk about Jake.
“Hi, Amy!” Elena called out, waving her hand, gesturing for the blonde to join her.
Amy took a deep breath, trying to erase the image of Van’s sad eyes from her mind. “Hi,” she returned the greeting. Amy placed her bag on the floor and looked around. “Where’s Jake?”
“Oh, working at the studio. Didn’t Van tell you?”
“Uh…” The blonde shook her head, trying to focus on Elena. “We haven’t really talked in a couple of days.”
“Oh…” There was no way to hide the disappointment in Elena’s voice.
Amy wasn’t sure what more there was to say. She did like Elena and she liked Van, but after everything she saw, she didn’t know what she could do.
“So you and Van…?” Elena started again, letting her question hang in the air.
Amy smiled sadly. “I like Van, but—” She held up her hand when she saw Elena about to respond. “We’re just friends, and I think it’ll stay that way. I liked hanging out with you and Jake, I really did, but as far as it being more than just friends hanging out… I wouldn’t expect that.”
“Okay.” Elena nodded her head. “I hope I didn’t pressure you or anything, Jake was really hesitant to do this.”
“He was?” Amy asked. She knew about Van’s feelings for Jake, but she didn’t have a clear idea of Jake’s feelings for Van.
“Well, he wouldn’t say it, and maybe I can’t read Jake as well as Van, but we’re all trying to figure this out. And we thought if Van had met someone, then maybe…”
“No, I understand.” Too well, Amy added silently to herself.
Before the girls could continue their conversation though, it was time for class, and Amy was relieved.
*
After Van and Jake wrapped for the day, Van wasn’t ready to say goodnight yet. They’d been working well together and getting along. But they didn’t really have a chance to hang out again, just the two of them. Van wanted to believe they could be friends, and Jake did too, but neither one knew how to do that without the big elephant of that “something more” walking along with them.
“Do you want to grab a bite to eat?” Van asked.
Jake turned to him and there was a silent hesitancy in his smile. Van was worried that Jake was going to try and let him down gently again.
“Or not,” Van added quickly.
“No, it’s not that,” Jake assured him. He didn’t even question how he could read Van so well. “It’s Thursday.”
“Tae Kwan Do night.”
“Yeah, and since I missed class, I was going to get a late dinner with Elena. Did you want to come with us?”
Van briefly closed his eyes. The thought of seeing them together, left him feeling uneasy. “No, that’s okay.”
“Sure?” But Jake regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. He was uncomfortable on that double date, but just the three of them…he didn’t think he could do that at all. He’d be so aware of everything he said and everything Van said and did, that he wouldn’t even be able to concentrate on Elena.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” Van gave him a tight smile and walked away.
*
When Jake met up with Elena, he knew immediately something was wrong. She barely returned his greeting and her brow was furrowed. “Elena, everything okay?” he asked, kissing her on the forehead.
“Uh…no, actually.” She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts, but decided that Jake could probably help her anyway.
“What’s going on?” he asked, and a part of him feared her response.
“Has Van talked to you about Amy?”
“No, why would he?” Jake asked, not bothering to tell her that he has purposely avoided any conversations about the girl.
“Well, I saw Amy in class tonight and she was insistent that she and Van were just friends, and nothing more. But I thought…you remember them together, right?”
A wave of nauseousness came over him, as he remembered that night and what he felt. “S-sure.”
“I mean, didn’t it seem…”
“I’m not sure what is going on with Van and Amy.” He sighed, glad he could at least be truthful about that.
“I just thought they…seemed happy and that maybe Van would finally get used to the idea of us.”
“Yeah…” Jake just did not know what to say, and he felt like the walls were closing in on him. “I have to go.”
“What? Jake, I thought we were having dinner.”
“Yeah, I left my wallet at the studio, and I need to go get it.”
“I can pay.”
“No!”
Elena took a step and then another back, away from Jake. The voice in her head was screaming at her to demand Jake to finally tell her what was going on. But she knew it would be an act of futility, because he wouldn’t. Or maybe he couldn’t.
“I’ll…I’ll be back when I can.” He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, and offered a distracted wave before heading out.
*
Van didn’t know what to think when less than an hour after he’d left the studio, his apartment buzzed. He was just debating where to order take-out and briefly wondered if he’d done it before leaving work so it would be ready when he got home.
“Yeah?”
“Van, it’s me Jake.”
“Did you change your mind?” he asked, hoping so much that the answer would be yes.
“No. We…uh…can I come up?”
Without responding, Van hit the button to release the front door. A few minutes later, Jake entered his apartment without knocking. He looked like he’d been sweating and he was clearly agitated.
“What’s wrong?” Van asked, going up to him immediately. He started to reach out, but stopped suddenly, his hands frozen in place on either side of Jake’s cheeks.
“What’s going on with you and Amy?” Jake asked. There were so many things he wanted to say to Van, but that was the first thing that came out.
Van shook his head, trying to understand the words Jake was saying. He let his hands fall, briefly grazing Jake’s shoulders, before he tucked them in his own pockets. “Why do you want to know?”
“Amy was in class tonight, and Elena… She wants to know why you and Amy…”
“I don’t feel about Amy the way I feel about you,” Van told him, quietly, stating a simple fact.
Jake looked at Van for a moment. He wondered about that. He wondered if Van had moved past him. And Jake refused to acknowledge his own relief at that statement.
Since Jake’s gaze had yet to waver from Van’s, Van took a step closer. “I tried…but I just can’t seem to forget about you.”
“Van…” Jake’s voice softened. “We have to tell Elena the truth.”
The blonde squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want Elena to know. He didn’t know why, but he had this feeling that once she knew…maybe it would make it all more real, and he was having a difficult time as it was, without adding more pressure.
Jake took a step closer to Van. He knew Van was uncomfortable and he wanted to help, but he didn’t know how. “I just…I feel I’m lying to her.”
“I know, and if that’s what you want—”
“No, it’s not what I want!” Jake snapped, and as soon as he saw the flash of hurt in Van’s eyes, he reached out and gently placed his hand on Van’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. But whenever I talk to her, I feel that I’m…what did you say, having two conversations?”
“Yeah,” Van replied softly, trying to concentrate on his words instead of the feel of Jake’s hand on him. They hadn’t really touched or hugged in a while, and Van knew Jake meant it to be comforting, but it felt like more. What Van didn’t know was…if it felt like more to Jake as well.
“I just…” Jake sighed and his grip tightened. “I want to go back…all of us being friends.”
Van immediately leapt onto Jake’s words. “You don’t want to be with Elena?”
Jake’s hand jumped off of Van’s shoulder, and Van knew he had said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean that,” Jake told him, weariness in his voice.
“What did you mean?” Van asked softly, trying to get back some of that ability he had to just be able to read Jake.
“Please, just stop talking,” Jake replied, starting to turn away. “You’re confusing me.”
Van grabbed Jake’s arm and tugged, forcing the brunette to look at him. “Why am I confusing you? Jake, have I done anything—”
Jake pulled away. “We’ll tell her,” he said resolutely. “We’ll tell Elena why you didn’t want me to see her and why you and Amy…” He swallowed. “Well, then we can clear everything up. It will all go back to normal.”
Van knew what Jake was doing and yet it felt like Jake was ripping out both of their hearts, causing them unnecessary pain. “What’s normal?” Van whispered.
“Us.” The reply was simple in its totality and yet it said so much more.
Van’s gaze locked onto Jake’s.
“Friends. Us. Friends,” the brunette quickly amended.
“Whatever you say.”
*
Elena was surprised when Jake called, instead of coming right back. “I’m with Van,” he told her after his greeting.
“Okay…” she said slowly, and she was left surprised by her lack of surprise at Jake’s statement.
“Will you come meet us for dinner?” Jake asked.
“Sure, but I thought you wanted it to be just the two of us, when I asked—”
“No, it’ll be better this way. We’re at Van’s place. We’re waiting for you.”
“I’ll be there soon,” she told him and hung up.
Closing his phone, Jake turned to Van. “She’s on her way.”
Van let out a breath. He desperately wanted to ask Jake if he was sure about this, but he already knew the answer. “Do you want a drink or…something?”
“No.”
“Jake…” Van’s voice trailed off.
Jake slowly made his way over to Van. He stopped when there was just a few breaths separating them. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell her sooner. I’m sorry, I can’t…”
Van looked at Jake. “I’m sorry too, for hurting you and…”
“I know.”
Jake started to reach out; he wasn’t sure what he expected to do with his hands, or where to put them—nervous fluttering—they finally rested on Van’s shoulders. Van reached for Jake’s hands, afraid they would still move, or maybe he just wanted the physical connection. He often felt their words were a thread, linking Van’s heart to Jake’s and when they argued, it grew stronger, but lately, it was shredding and about to break.
They simply stood, staring at each other. For once there were no words, and yet Van knew that the thread was stronger than ever.
The buzz from Van’s front door made both of them jump. He gave Jake a small smile before going over to buzz Elena in. A few minutes later, she was there. Van had the door open, trying to keep some distance between himself and Jake.
“That was fast,” Jake said, when Elena raced past Van into the apartment. She pulled Jake close for a hug.
“I was worried, I know something is going on, you’re both so…” her voice trailed off.
Van was tempted to ask Elena what she was thinking. He knew how awkward and uncomfortable he was around Jake, but he had no idea how Jake was around Elena.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “I thought we were past all of this awkwardness.”
“We-we are,” Van told her. At least, that’s what he and Jake had been working so hard to. Maybe this would be the final push they needed to be “just friends” again. But when Van thought about his relationship with Jake, “just friends” didn’t seem to cover it either.
“Okay…” Her gaze left Van’s and was aimed at Jake. “Tell me. What is going on?”
He swallowed. Now that the moment was here, Jake didn’t actually know how to say the words out-loud. They were pounding in his head, constantly, louder and faster whenever he was with Van and sometimes…when a moment came that did not feel like friendship, they were softer, a dull beat—what he usually associated with Elena. With the two of them there in front of him, the words…there seemed to be a loudness, and then an echo of solitude.
“Jake…” She reached out for him, taking his hand in hers.
“Well, it’s um—”
“I like Jake,” Van blurted out.
Elena’s face scrunched in confusion. “Yeah, I do too.” She was glad to hear that much at least, fearful that part of their problems were Van and Jake not getting along.
“No, I like Jake.”
Jake stood there for a moment, not able to say anything. Elena looked from Van to Jake and then back again. And in her sweep, it was all clarified in her mind; she realized how and why Van was so upset.
“Van?” she whispered.
“It’s okay…” he tried to assure her. “It’s not as though he likes me back.”
Jake shut his eyes, hoping to shut out the pain in Van’s voice. It made everything hurt.
“So…that’s why you were upset and why you and Amy—”
Van held up his hands again trying to reassure her. “She is a great girl, and she’s okay with the two of us just being friends.”
“She knows?” Elena wondered.
Jake’s eyes flew open, wanting to know the answer as well.
“I—Well—”
“No!” Elena held up her hand, shaking her head. “Please, stop talking. Jake and you kept this from me. Amy even knows how you feel about Jake, but I don’t? Why do you guys keep making decisions about my relationship with Jake? First, you get upset. Then Jake offers to break up with me, just so you won’t be upset. And now—” She briefly paused, turning to look at Jake, realizing he still hadn’t said a word yet.
“Do you really want to be with me? Or do you want Van?”
Jake’s gaze immediately went Van. There was so much pain in Van’s eyes and Jake wanted to take it away, but he didn’t know how and he didn’t know what to say.
“I see,” she whispered, and everything clarified itself in her mind. She knew Van and Jake; she knew them together and apart. She did not know what every look or sentence meant, but she was beginning to.
That moment was what helped Jake to snap out of his reverie. “No, you don’t,” he insisted. “Van and I—” How could he finish that sentence? “Elena, I really like you.”
“But do you like Van more?” There was no hurt or pain, just resolution.
Van watched all of this unfold in front of him, watched the fear and confusion in Jake’s eyes. The stumbling for words, the right words, but not knowing what they could be. More than anything he wanted the answer to be yes. But he also knew that what he wanted and what Jake needed, weren’t necessarily the same thing. “It doesn’t matter,” he replied for Jake. (
Both of them turned and looked at Van.
“Jake and I…” He took a moment, trying to think of what they needed him to say. “We’re friends. I know how it is. He wants you. Can we stop talking about this? It doesn’t change anything.”
And yet, Elena knew that wasn’t the whole truth either. “I have to go,” she replied.
“What?” the alarm in Jake’s voice grew louder and he started to reach out for her.
“I-I’m sorry, I can’t think about this right now.” She looked at both guys, hoping one of them would say this was all a joke. She even hoped for a promise that this would all go away. She wanted to know that whatever else was going on, whatever else they were feeling, would be ignored. But she knew it was more than even what they were telling her and that promise wouldn’t come.
And she couldn’t stay. A small part of her wondered what they would do, what they would decide without her there. Maybe I never was a part of this?
With one last look at the two men she cared the most for in the world, Elena rushed out of the apartment, hoping to catch her breath.
After a few moments, when the air seemed to stop vibrating from Elena’s sudden departure, Van said, “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
Van blinked, shaking his head. “What?”
“Why do you like me? Why are you putting us through all of this?” Jake knew it wasn’t fair. He hated how he sounded, especially to himself, but he couldn’t stop either. “She’s your best friend, how can you—”
Van took one angry step and then another closer to Jake. “Do you think I wanted to feel this way about you? Do you really think I want to hurt her and you? Jake, I—”
“Yeah, I know,” he admitted, but he wanted something to blame for his own feelings and the hurt he saw in Van’s eyes and Elena’s.
“Then stop acting like I did this on purpose.” Van tugged gently on Jake’s arm, hoping he would look at him, really look at him. “Stop acting like I am out to hurt you. The last thing I want is you to be hurt.”
Jake let out a breath. “You keep saying that, and yet every time I am with you…” He slowly let his gaze wander over Van’s face. “I know I’m hurting you. And if you don’t think that hurts me, then…because Van…I—”
“What?” Van cut him off; wanting so much to know everything that Jake was feeling in that moment.
“I don’t want you to be hurt.”
“I know,” he replied sadly. It was such a Jake thing to say, such a “friend” thing and it was the last thing Van wanted to hear.
“And?” Jake prompted, knowing somehow that that wasn’t the answer Van wanted to hear.
“What?” he asked, his voice heavy and his shoulders slumping under the weight of his own desires not being met.
“I don’t know how not to hurt you.”
“You’re not.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was what Jake needed to hear, and that was what Van needed to know.
Jake took a couple of steps towards. “Are you sure?”
Van took a couple of steps toward Jake as well. “Don’t worry about me.”
“But I do.”
He offered Jake a half-smile. “That’s why you’re so great.”
The brunette shrugged, feeling so much more in those words—the reassurances and comfort. But there was more, Jake couldn’t define it, but he never could with Van, either. “Van—”
The other man finally closed the gap between them. He stood there, his eyes darkening slightly. “It’s okay.” Van felt that thread between them grow, a rope tying them together.
Slowly, Jake leaned down, his forehead bumping with Van’s once, twice, before resting gently. “Are you sure?”
“I promise,” Van whispered, his breath invading Jake’s mouth, as the brunette separated his lips.
For once, there were no words and it made all the difference. Van tilted his head slightly, and Jake closed the distance between them.
Van’s eyes sprang open the moment Jake’s lips touched his. He’d hoped for this moment; he’d experienced it before, as “Luke.” But this was different; there was no sound from the cameras and crew. There were no lights that were so bright, even with his eyes closed he was aware of everything around him. In this moment, there was only Jake. He leaned in further, trying to find a better angle, and then he heard a sigh. It took Van a moment to realize it wasn’t him.
Jake.
Jake was in this moment with him. Jake was kissing him. Point of fact, Jake had kissed him first. Van tried to revel in that, but he knew the moment Jake opened his eyes, the moment reality caught up to Jake’s feelings that all of this would end.
But…he decided, and slowly dragged his fingers into Jake’s hair. Van pulled away slightly to catch his breath and sighed when he felt Jake lean in again to deepen the kiss. That moment wasn’t here yet.
- Mood:
anxious
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Comments
nice writing, too. :)
And the way Jake's eyes said it all when Elena asked if Jake wanted van, that was so powerfull!
I can't wait for sunday to get here so I can read more!
Thanks! Good to hear from you as always. ~Ali
didn´t expect them to kiss in this chapter, that surprsed me.
Finally!!!!!!!
That was a great chapter, can't wait for the next!!
I loved that Elena immediately suspected Jake liked Van back - seems he's pretty obvious even if he's still confused.
It seems impossible for no one to get hurt, I just hope they can fix the friendships in the end!
Elena will be okay...cause she loves both boys and will want them to be happy. And she is obviously figuring it out. (although I think deep down she probably already had an idea)
This whole section was amazing!
Jake and Van are so worried about the other, just what people in love do!
Memories of one of my favorite Noah and Luke moments!
This part just slayed me. So beautiful!
Guh!
Jill and I were chatting just last night about how much we love to read a good romantic kiss involving these two..well, you certainly gave us a kiss that was terribly romantic and perfectly timed. This moment called out for a kiss, in my opinion.
You know Ali, I would read a story you wrote about 2 people you pick out of the phone book. You write the emotions and conflict behind relationships beautifully.
Peace and Love,
Barbara
(I know this is probably WAY TO long, oops)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your comments (don't worry about length). Elena... while probably not wanting to see, is definitely starting to and it's really too bad for her.
Jake and Van...they do love and care about each other and have been focusing a lot on trying not to hurt each other but doing just that.
Glad you liked the kiss, I thought was about time and really Jake and Van were just caught up in the moment together and that's what I wanted with them.
Pick two people in the phone book and write? I have written original (too long ago), but I appreciate the compliment.
Thank you as always. It's lovely to hear from you.
~Ali
Can't wait to see what happens next! :)
Lovely to hear from you as always. ~Ali
Gee, why is that, I wonder. ... Jake looking at Van before Elena speaks more than volumes but every thing. I'm sure that the reason why Jake went blindly in to the kiss was because his body was fed up with being denied, and overhauled his mind.
Therapy was awesome. Thanks for asking.
Loved that you said his body was fed of up with being denied. My original intention was a brief brushing of lips, but once there in the moment with the guys... Well, intentions went out the window.
Glad therapy with was good. ~Ali
"But he also knew that what he wanted and what Jake needed, weren’t necessarily the same thing." Wants vs needs. Hmm. I'm still turning the implications over in my mind.
Thank you for this emotional slow-burn and very nuanced story. I always thought reading RPS would make me feel like a skeezy human being. You and some of the other authors around here have very much shown me otherwise. Looking forward to Sunday.
Reading RPS makes you feel skeezy? Writing and sharing is very difficult for me. It's getting better (knowing I'm not alone and people enjoy it).
Thank you for enjoying the story. It means more than I can say. ~Ali
I kind of felt sorry for Elena in this chapter. She really didn't see any of this coming did she? To be the last one to know has to hurt like the dickens, eh? That dream was too good to be true but please tell me it was. It was one of the best kisses I've ever read. Van's breath invading Jake's mouth is all sorts of hot imagery. I just loved that they kissed and that Jake initiated it.
I'm on pins and needles waiting to read what happens next!
Elena...we'll see more of what she knows and feels next time.
Dream? The kiss? Totally happened (I'm not that cruel).
Glad you liked the kiss, the physical parts of the relationship, I am not the best at writing. There are other writers who do it so much better than me.
Next chapter...up on Sunday as usual. Thanks again! ~Ali
Jake's hesitation? I think it's all of what you said. Initial surprise at Van's feelings, and then not wanting to lead Van on, when he thinks he doesn't feel the same way. Jake's feelings for Van are very complicated and I think will be explained by him in later chapters. Jake and Elena? I think he cares for her, but if you were to compare it to Van, there would be no comparison.
And yes, you're supposed to be wondering those things, because frankly I didn't really know what Jake was feeling any of this (if that makes sense). By the end, I hope everything will be what the boys need it to be. ~Ali
Thank you. ~Ali
I don't even know where to begin. I had this incredible emotional ride between total ecstasy because, oh gosh, they are beautiful and complete heartbreak because, oh gosh, they are so broken a bit here.
Amy. I like Amy. Alot. She's such a sweet girl and I like how preceptive she is. That scene with Elena was perfect pitch of uneasiness. Well done. :)
Van and Jake....there's so much to say about them. I don't even know exactly how *to* begin. It's all right there and they just don't really see it. Well, okay. Not they. *He*. Jake doesn't want to see it. I was on the edge of my seat, holding my breath through every single bit of their interactions. I love you most for the wonderful details you put into these stories.
Now that the moment was here, Jake didn’t actually know how to say the words out-loud. They were pounding in his head, constantly, louder and faster whenever he was with Van and sometimes…when a moment came that did not feel like friendship, they were softer, a dull beat—what he usually associated with Elena. With the two of them there in front of him, the words…there seemed to be a loudness, and then an echo of solitude.
Phenomenal way to describe what goes on inside Jake when it's about these two. I love that Van is all loud...and the softer thud. I love that he associates it with Elena but it's not necessarily how it is.
Elena...just can't face it because I think deep down it doesn't surprise her. She knew. She just didn't know she knew.
There was such wonderful moments of squee and love int hise fic but I have to say:
Favorite line: “What’s normal?” Van whispered.
“Us.” The reply was simple in its totality and yet it said so much more.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Ali, that last part with them. Seriously. That was insanely beautiful and just aching. I have this thing that happens to me when I get *really* emotional moved by something. It happens to me ALOT with Jake/Van as Luke/Noah. Sometimes when I watch something and theirs this moment of intimacy with people my stomach sort of flutters and does these flips like almost giddiness.
That happened when I read that last section. I think I literally gasped it was so good. Oh my god. Just...brilliant. It almost makes me want to throw in the towel as a writer. Srsly.
I CANNOT wait until Sunday! *hugs you* Thank you so much for this chapter!
Edited at 2008-09-18 03:57 am (UTC)
Wow, I'm kind of *flailing* about this comment. You've truly outdown yourself this time. I knew the kiss would go over well, but...not like this.
Beautiful and broken? I love that, they are a bit broken aren't they? Now, I'll just have to figure out a way to put them back together...
Amy. Thank you. She's been a joy for me and I'm glad you enjoyed the uneasiness of it all. Amy seems very straightforward, so to talk to Elena without revealing anything was awkward.
Van and Jake...While Van has been broken hearted throughout, not gotten a chance to focus on Jake's unease and that was so much of this one and probably going forward.
The paragraph you quoted...thank you. I struggled to try and get Jake's feelings about the two, and that's what I came up with.
Elena...perfect way to describe her. She's one of their closest friends and we'll see more of her next time.
So glad you enjoyed the last part with them. I know we've all been waiting for the kiss, but it had to happen at the right time and the moment...it was just aching and they needed each other.
It almost makes me want to throw in the towel as a writer. Srsly. Okay, don't every say that again. You may admire, but I don't want you to stop writing, or even hint at it.
Thank you. It's always so good to hear from you. ~Ali
*sighs*
beautiful.
P.S. I will die by Sunday...