![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Master Post: The Fic List Updated 4/5/2009
This LJ is all about my fic and I’ve kind of thought I write too much. Some may disagree, but since I can’t keep track of them all, I decided to get myself organized…
As you can see, I write for As the World Turns. I write Luke and Noah (Nuke) and Van and Jake, their portrayers (Jansis). There have been other fic in the past and other fandoms which is out there somewhere I am sure and I hope to remain lost. But below you will find links to all the Nuke and Jansis I have written (so far). And the one time I wrote for Billy and Jake (Jilly)...
Take a look around and let me know what you think, or just say hi. ~Ali
Luke & Noah Series
Tentative Steps Focuses on the Invisible Girl series that Luke wrote, Noah directed and Maddie starred in.
(Tentative Steps) (Planting the Seed) (Building Blocks) (Action) (Semantics) (Impasse) (Waiting) (Are You Ready?) (And So It Begin... )
Some Kind Of… What happens when Luke meets someone new?
(…Interest) (…Sweet) (…Simple) (…Mistake) (…Possibility) (…Happy) (…Ending) (…Truth) (…Pain) (…Wonderful)
You & Me Future fic. Noah and Luke have gone their separate ways, but an unexpected event brings them together. Will they finally get a happy ending?
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14)
Luke & Noah One-Shots
Unexpected My version of the swimming episode.
Preparing for BattleCol. Mayer arrives and Luke offers to help Noah with his tie.
Quiet Moments Noah has a decision to make.
Chaos Based upon Noah’s comment, “Where chaos would reign but the world would never end.”
Moments or Milestones Are the moments in your life milestones?
Darkness Into Light After Luke’s accident, Noah visits him.
Spirits Based upon dialog from 10/31/07, when Luke told Noah about the scarecrows dressed up as ghosts. Story begins when Luke is seven.
Gay Merit Badges Luke helps Noah earn his first merit badge.
Lost What do you do when you don’t know what to say?
Keeping Promises What happens when you re-meet the love of your life and you have one night to convince him?
Luke & Noah Two-Part Work
What Is It Worth? Noah has to marry Ameera to keep her in the country.
(Part 1) (Part 2)
Jake & Van Series
Journey… Told from Jake's POV. Insights into his life, the first year on the show.
…Home Told from Van’s POV. Companion piece to Journey… Insights into Van’s life, when Jake joins the show.
Overwhelmed By You What happens when one friend wants more?
(Prologue) (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10)
Realize What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15)
Between Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9)
Jake & Van One-Shots
Like Jake goes to see Van in Die Mommie Die!
Something Stupid "As my friend, if I do something stupid, will you just pretend I didn't?"
Hiding in Plain Sight What if those glasses were Van's?
Options "The way I see it, we have two options right now."
Don't Drink and Blog Based upon a discussion with transcendenza. Something along the lines of drunk blogging...
Thankful Jake and Van finally hear what the other is saying.
Jake & Van Co-Written "Experiments" with Elif
Blurred Lines "Easy, Jake We're not Luke and Noah tonight."
Saint Valentine's Day Massacre "I was warmng you up."
Jilly Comment!Fic
Not Yet Told from Jake's POV. Based upon a conversation with ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nouveau_monday about the possibility of Jake and Billy.
- Mood:accomplished
Title: Between
Chapter: Nine
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Author’s Note: Apologies in advance for any mistakes. Another unbeta’d chapter. We’ve reached the end. It’s always a little sad for me to end a series, but I hope you all enjoyed the journey. Thank you all for reading and commenting, I really do appreciate it. ~Ali
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8)
( Read more... )
- Mood:
nervous
Title: Between
Chapter: Eight
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Author’s Note: Apologies in advance for any mistakes. Unbeta’d chapter. Thank you all for reading and commenting, I really do appreciate it. ~Ali
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7)
- Mood:
stressed
Title: Between
Chapter: Seven
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Author’s Note: Thank you all for reading and commenting, I appreciate it more than I can say. ~Ali
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6)
( Read more... )
- Mood:
happy
Title: Not Yet
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Summary: Told from Jake’s POV. Based upon a conversation with nouveau_monday about the possibility of Jake and Billy
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Author’s Note: Just a little comment!fic, originally posted on Monday’s journal. Originally untitled, not sure where it will go.
( Read more... )
- Mood:
curious
Title: Between
Chapter: Six
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot.
Author’s Note: Thank you as always for reading and sharing your insights. They mean so much. ~Ali
{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5}
( Read more... )
- Mood: nervous
Title: Between
Chapter: Five
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Author’s Note: Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you’re enjoying the story and reading your responses…kind of overwhelming, but I am very grateful. And thank you for coming back each week. Comments, constructive or love would be appreciated. ~Ali
(Chapter 1), (Chapter 2), (Chapter 3), (Chapter 4)
- Mood: anxious
Title: Between
Chapter: Four
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Author’s Note: You’re all amazing. I enjoy and appreciate each comment. I’m so grateful that you’re coming back and like my little Jansis story. Any comments—constructive or love would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! ~Ali
( Read more... )
- Mood: nervous
Title: Between
Chapter: Three
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Special Note: Thank you Monday for helping me get out of my head last night. I feel a little better about posting this morning.
Author’s Note: And thank you all for stopping by and commenting, I enjoyed each and every one. Wish I had more time to post more then once a week, and I’m grateful that you’re coming back and like my little Jansis story. Any comments—constructive or love would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! ~Ali
( Read more... )
- Mood: anxious
Title: Between
Chapter: Two
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Author’s Note: You all overwhelm me. Thank you for stopping by and commenting, I enjoyed each and every one. I’m glad you liked this little Jansis series. Any comments—constructive or love would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! ~Ali
( Read more... )
- Mood:
sick
Title: Between
Chapter: One
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake has to find a way to make the world he creates between his dreams and real-life, a reality.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. All written for entertainment, no intentions to offend or cause harm.
Dedication: To J…you really are the best. Thank you so much for your help, when you have so much going on, it means a lot. Thank you!
Author’s Note: Well, back again with a little Jansis series. Due to a hectic real life, I will only post on Sundays. Thank you in advance for anyone who stops by to read. Any comments—constructive or love would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter One )
- Mood: nervous
Title: Thankful
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jake and Van finally hear what the other is saying.
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Author’s Note: Just a simple one-shot. Unbeta’d, and I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Thank you for all for reading. I appreciate it beyond words. Any comments—constructive or love would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! ~Ali
( Read more... )
- Mood: curious
Title: Realize
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication:To J...the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous "talks."
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happend, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
- Mood: cheerful
Title: Realize
Chapter: Fifteen
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: It’s kind of sad to say we’re finally at the end. Thank you for taking this journey with me. You’ve all been so kind and I’ve loved reading your comments and insights. They mean so much to me. As you know comments are always welcome, constructive or love. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Fifteen )
- Mood: optimistic
Title: Realize
Chapter: Fourteen
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Thank you all so much for reading and stopping by every Sunday and Wednesday. It means more than I can say. Also, we’re almost at the end. I can’t believe it. But the last chapter will be posted Wednesday. Comments are always welcome, constructive or love. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Fourteen )
- Mood: chipper
Title: Realize
Chapter: Thirteen
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Thank you all so much for reading and stopping by every Sunday and Wednesday. It means more than I can say. Also, we’re nearing the end. There’ll be 15 chapters, so last one will be posted a week from today. Comments are always welcome, constructive or love. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Thirteen )
Jake shook his head. “Another person hurt by this,” he replied, waving his hand from himself to Van and back.
</div>An entire weekend without Jake, and Van thought he was going insane. Too many times he’d picked up his phone to call; too many times he headed out of his building and headed towards Jake’s. As much as Van wanted to see Jake, to hear his voice, to touch him…to get another kiss, he couldn’t. Van knew the next move would have to be Jake’s, and he hoped it would be the right one.
When he got to work, he sat for a few minutes in his dressing room, waiting for Jake. But he remembered being in this position once before, right after he told Jake how he felt about him and Jake had spent the morning in Billy’s dressing room. At first, he didn’t want to push him; he didn’t want to force Jake into a fight or a kiss, especially right before they were going to film their scenes. Jake would never forgive him, and Van would never forgive himself. He’d made a promise to himself long ago, that at work, it came first, no matter what. He’d never been in a position where he wanted a co-star before and he was once again, going to let work come first. Van picked up his script and walked out of his dressing room. He was going to see Billy or go get coffee, anything but be in that room. He kind of knew that Jake would need a quiet place as well. Maybe he could find it here?
*
Jake spent most of the weekend avoiding sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the pain on Elena’s face and he could feel Van’s lips pressed against his. The images made him want to run, made him want to find a time before all of this, where there was no pain and there were no questions.
He couldn’t call off work and luckily for him, it was more of family scenes. He’d work with Van very briefly and then…
Of their own accord, Jake’s eyes closed and he knew the answer. He’d have to talk to Van. He wasn’t sure what exactly he’d tell him, but they would have to talk.
As he wandered into the studio, he was tempted to head to Billy’s dressing room again. As he walked down the hall, he heard laughing and recognized Van’s voice. He stopped, hesitating. He wanted to know what was so funny and how on earth Van could be sharing a joke with Billy, when Jake was mentally and physically exhausted. He wanted to walk into that room and demand to know how Van could just move on so quickly.
His feet started to head towards there, when he heard Van say, “Thank you. I needed this.”
“Any time, man,” Billy’s voice replied.
Jake quickly turned and raced towards hair and make-up. Later. You can talk to him later.
*
When they were called to the set, Van hung back a little. Jake noticed and sent him a soft smile. He knew what Van was doing: he was giving Jake some space. He was grateful for that, that Van knew what Jake needed, what he could handle right then. Isn’t that what he always does for you?
The director came down, set up the blocking for the scene and they were ready to go. Van was to be close to Jake, because Luke and Noah were always together. He slowly made his way towards Jake, standing next to him, his shoulder barely grazing Jake’s. Right before the director called action, Jake reached down and grabbed Van’s hand.
They made it through the scene, looking adoringly at each other, holding hands, sharing a brief hug. Jake silently thanking God there wasn’t a kiss in the script for them to “act.”
After the scene ended and they were wrapping up for the day, Jake knew he had to talk to Van, but he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.
Van watched Jake for a moment. He was tempted to open his mouth, but he knew they couldn’t talk down there on the set. He turned on his heel and walked toward his dressing room. He paused after a couple of steps, looking back at Jake, his eyes asking if Jake was coming.
Jake nodded his head, answering Van’s unspoken question and followed him back to Van’s dressing room.
They walked in silence, Van leading the way. When they finally got there, Jake wouldn’t say anything. He sat on the couch, his hands folded in his lap, staring at the wall. Van let him sit there for a minute, but this couldn’t go on. He couldn’t do this anymore.
“Jake,” the other man’s name came out in a sigh. “I think we need to talk.”
Jake was pulled out of his reverie for a brief moment. “About what?” he asked.
Van was disappointed. He didn’t want to have to work for this; he didn’t want to have to work for anything with Jake. He never had, why did he have to now? Then don’t, the voice in his head directed him. “Jake, please don’t do this.”
“Van…I want…” his eyes skittered up and saw the hopeful expression in Van’s eyes. “I don’t want you to be hurt, but I do want to be with Elena.”
“Really?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He was almost daring Jake to say it again.
Jake jumped up from his seat and walked towards his friend. “How could you ask me that? This all started because I want to be with Elena.”
Van simply shook his head.
“It’s the truth,” Jake insisted.
“Yes, all of this started because you asked Elena out on a date. But if I believed that was what you really wanted, then I would let this go,” Van said reasonably. He wasn’t going to have a heated discussion, not about them, but he did need to get a reaction out of Jake for them to get anywhere.
Jake crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring Van. “Then what do I have to say to make you believe it?”
Slowly, Van’s arms uncrossed themselves and they fell to his sides. His fight was waning. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you, Jake.”
Jake uncrossed his arms as well. “Yeah, we’re friends,” he said, his voice picking up speed and he ran his fingers through his hair a couple of times. “You know, you’ve been so great, right from the start. You’ve always been there, you’re a great friend and I’m grateful for all the help you’ve given me.”
Nodding his head, he forced himself to smile. “Yeah…right.”
“Don’t talk like that,” Jake’s voice cracked, he held his hands out in front of him, pleading.
“Like what?” Van murmured. He was trying to keep it together as he watched Jake fall apart.
“Like you don’t believe me,” Jake whispered.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Van—” Jake shook his head, and needing to run again, he turned and walked away.
“You kissed me first,” Van said to Jake’s back. His voice was surprisingly calm and strong, but his legs wanted to give out.
The brunette let out a breath and turned back to Van. “What?”
“You kissed me,” he continued to keep his voice calm, stating the facts of their last encounter. “I didn’t push you. I didn’t ask for anything but your friendship. I didn’t have any expectations for you to return my feelings. I know you and Elena…I know that’s what you wanted.”
Jake’s heart started beating faster, but he couldn’t move from his spot. “Then why—”
“You kissed me,” Van answered the rest of Jake’s question.
His hands went up, trying to cover his ears. “Stop saying that.”
“It’s true.”
“It—”
“Jake.”
Jake let out a breath and his hands fell to his sides again. “How do you do it?”
“What?” Van asked, his voice starting to lose his strength and his legs continuing to weaken.
“You just say my name and I know everything you’re feeling in that moment. I knew it the night you didn’t want me to date Elena. I know it now.” Jake moved slowly towards Van. “How do you do that?”
One side of Van’s mouth slid up in a sad smile. “What am I going to do with you?” He reached out, cupping Jake’s face in his hands.
Repeating a move from their last time together, Jake’s head leaned down and his forehead bumped with Van’s, once, twice, before finally resting there. He closed his eyes, and he could feel Van’s fingers and hands, as they slowly moved off of his cheeks and up into his hair. Van started to massage Jake’s scalp, trying to help him relax.
“Van…” he whispered.
The blonde moved slightly, angling his head so he could nuzzle his nose with Jake’s. “I’m right here,” he whispered against Jake’s mouth.
Jake pulled away slightly, opening his eyes, looking right into Van’s. “I don’t know if I can…”
“What do you want?” Van asked, knowing that what he’d been told earlier wasn’t the full truth.
Jake wasn’t sure how to answer that, and Van reached for him again; with his hand, he held Jake’s cheek in his own and his thumb grazed across Jake’s mouth. The brunette’s mouth opened and he pressed a kiss to Van’s thumb. Van’s eyes fluttered shut, and his breathing started to become shallow.
Jake watched for a moment, watched the effect he could have on Van and he wanted to revel in that. He wanted to find more of that, but instead, he pulled away from Van and said, “I can’t do this. I can’t do want you want.” He turned and started walk away again.
“Jake…” There was no use hiding his pain. “I don’t want you to do anything or be anything you’re not.”
He stopped and turned back to Van. “But you can’t tell me…that you don’t want me…that you don’t want me to want you back. You want me to feel the same way about you, that you do for me.”
Van wanted to rush back to Jake, but he held his ground. “You don’t have to tell me that.”
He shook his head and tapped his foot nervously. “Right.”
“I know you already do.”
“Because I kissed you?” Jake asked, crossing his arms over his chest again, trying to create a barrier that space wasn’t providing.
But Van wouldn’t let him do that. He walked up to Jake. He was slow and determined, and he stopped when there was no space between the two of them. “Because you’re scared and that’s not about Elena. You’re wondering what’s going on. When it’s just you and me…like we are right now.”
“You’re my best friend,” Jake admitted truthfully. “But what you want…how can you go from best friends to wanting…”
“You.”
“Why do you always finish my sentences?” It wasn’t accusatory, but there was a hint of heated discussion in there as well.
Van smiled. “Because I know you. It’s how Amy realized—”
Jake shook his head. “Another person hurt by this,” he replied, waving his hand from himself to Van and back.
“You can say it,” there was a hint of a tease in Van’s voice. “It’s not evil. I want you.”
“Maybe I don’t want to say it,” he replied petulantly. “Because if I say it, then it feels real.”
“Believe me. It’s real. My feelings are real,” Van told him, but he knew Jake knew that as well. Right now, they were trying to move Jake to the same place Van was.
“But how could you?”
“You’re my best friend.”
“So how?”
“I love being with you,” Van replied simply.
Jake’s eyes skittered across Van’s face, wanting to make sure. “It’s as simple as that?” he wondered, but knew there was more to it.
“You get me…like no else,” Van told him, his gaze never wavering from Jake’s and a small smile tugging at his lips. “You let me talk and talk and you fight with me, and I love you for that. I love arguing with you—more than anything else. You get me and you support me. And when I think about all of this…” His hands spread out in front of him, indicating the studio and everything they had been a part of since Jake joined the show. “You’re the first person I want to talk to. You’re the first person I want to talk to about anything. With all of what has happened in the last year, you’ve been with me, every day.”
Jake let out a breath and he held Van’s gaze as well. “I get that,” he allowed. “And, I feel the same way. I’m not the same guy I was a year ago when I started and I don’t know what I would have done with you. Like I said, you’re my best friend. But the other things…” His voice trailed off and so did his gaze.
Van stood still, waiting for Jake to continue.
“I kissed you, I know that, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what we are any more.”
“Okay,” he replied nodding his head. Van reached out for Jake’s hands. “But when I’m in the same room with you, you’re all I want.”
Jake didn’t remove his hands but simply looked at Van, and Van knew Jake didn’t agree with him. Van let go of Jake’s hands and held them up. “Okay, maybe not for you—”
The brunette continued to look at Van. “You’re doing it again.”
Van smiled; he wasn’t about to apologize for being able to read Jake’s thoughts. “So I know you better than anyone else. I’m not sorry that. You said that I can just say your name and you know everything that I am thinking or feeling. Then why are you so surprised that I can read your thoughts?” He reached for Jake’s hand and held it gently, wanting to feel connected to him. “How do you think I am able to do that? I won’t push you. I won’t try and take anything away from you and Elena. When you’re ready…” Van reached up and brushed his thumb across Jake’s lips. “When you’re ready…I’ll be waiting.” Van pressed a gentle kiss to Jake’s mouth. And because he wasn’t going to push anymore, Van decided to leave.
He walked out of his dressing room, leaving Jake standing there a little stunned and unsure.
- Mood: content
Title: Realize
Chapter: Twelve
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Thank you all so much for reading and stopping by every Sunday and Wednesday. It means more than I can say. Comments are always welcome, constructive or love. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Twelve )
But he would not reach up and answer it. “Elena, I do want to be with you.”
</div>Slowly, he realized he’d have to start breathing again, and when he opened his eyes, he was reminded of whose lips he had been kissing.
Van.
Suddenly Jake pulled away, and his fingertips pressed his lips. Van’s eyes slowly opened, a drugged gaze on his face. There was a smile tugging at those swollen lips. Jake’s heart rate increased, he’d known at the beginning and then the very end who he was kissing, but in the middle, when it was only lips and hands and determination and sweetness and want, he’d forgotten. He’d been too caught up in the feelings to realize…
Van.
Jake swallowed, and his gaze skittered to his own feet. He didn’t know what to say. What could he say? He’d been arguing with Van, fighting with Van for awhile, angry with him, uncomfortable because Van wanted… Van wanted…
Exactly what just happened, the voice in his head reminded him. And you…
“I have to go.” Jake stumbled back, his feet tripping over themselves. He couldn’t turn his back on Van, he knew how much that would hurt his friend, but he couldn’t stay either.
Van stood grounded in place, not following Jake, but just watching. The watching was what made all of this so difficult. Jake felt like he wanted Van to say something to give him the answers to what just happened, but maybe Van didn’t know either. Theoretically, Jake knew exactly what had happened, but the how and the why, they were answers he had yet to attain. Why isn’t Van speaking? Van always talks. Van always has the answers.
Jake paused; he was two steps from the door and ten from Van. “Van?” he asked.
The blonde gave him a soft smile, his gaze less dazed and more focused. His head tilted to the side; he knew what Jake was asking. But he wouldn’t tell him, not yet. Van needed Jake to give them the answers to this one.
Jake waited, five seconds turning into ten, but nothing changed. Van was not speaking, just looking at him, seeing right through him. It scared Jake. “I…” It was on the tip of his tongue to apologize, but Jake couldn’t. It would cost Van everything if he did.
“Bye,” Jake finally pushed the word out of his throat and past his lips. He stumbled around, grabbing at the door and the knob. It wouldn’t budge and he could hear Van’s footsteps behind him. He was scared, but no matter what he couldn’t get the knob to turn.
And then Jake felt it. The slight heat from Van’s breath. The gentle pressure of Van’s torso pressed to Jake’s back and then Van’s hand. It slowly slid down his forearm, until it covered Jake’s hand. Jake’s breath became shallow, and then Van gently moved Jake’s hand away from the door, turning the knob and releasing the catch.
“There,” Van whispered, into Jake’s ear.
Jake shuddered slightly before leaving the apartment, closing the door with a soft click behind him.
Van leaned against the door, and finally his own heart rate returned to normal.
*
Elena didn’t know what to do. Everything she’d heard and everything she’d seen so far, none of it made sense. She knew Van and Jake—not better than anyone else, because they held that distinction. But what she’d seen earlier and what she’d experienced with them… Images of that double date, and the night before, Jake’s uncomfortableness. He couldn’t hide from her; she could pretend not to notice, but she also thought it had been that awkwardness. Then sitting there, sitting next to Jake, while his eyes were locked on Van’s. And Van was sitting next to…
Amy.
Blindly, Elena reached for her phone. She quickly scrolled through the numbers until she found Amy’s. Selecting the number, she heard the call connect.
“Hello?”
“Amy? It’s Elena. I…” her voice trailed off. What was she going to say? What was she supposed to say? “Look, I just saw Jake and Van and they told me…” Her breath hitched. She didn’t want to think about what they told her, she didn’t want to think about their pain and her own. “I’m sorry I brought you into this.”
“Elena, where are you?” Amy asked.
“Uh, right now? About two blocks from Van’s apartment.” She stopped and looked at her watch. “I’m sorry, it’s kind of late. I just…”
“Let’s meet for coffee. There’s a coffee shop near there, right?”
Elena looked up and saw the sign a few blocks ahead of her. She and Van used to go there often. A part of her didn’t want to go, fearful she’d run into him. “Yeah, I see it.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Wait for me,” Amy instructed.
*
When Amy found Elena, she wasn’t sure what to expect or what to talk about. She was tempted to call Van and find out what exactly he and Jake had told her, but if they were together, Amy didn’t want to interrupt them either.
“Hi.” Elena offered a distracted wave.
Amy settled across from her. “Can I get you something to eat?” she asked, noticing the half-full cup of coffee in Elena’s hands. It looked more like she had been using it to warm herself then for actual drinking.
“No.” Elena smiled. “Thank you for coming out to see me. I…I don’t know what to think, actually.”
“What did they tell you exactly?” Amy gently questioned.
Elena looked at her for a moment, wondering what exactly Van had told Amy. “Van likes Jake,” she said. It all sounded simple enough. Van and Jake were friends, but what that statement meant and what that said about all of them, it left Elena with a crushing feeling on her chest.
“Yeah, that’s what Van told me, too,” Amy replied.
Elena wanted to reach out and grab Amy’s hands, demanding she tell her everything Van had said. But then she had to stop and take a moment. “They’re best friends,” she murmured, and now it wasn’t clear if she was even speaking to Amy or trying to sort everything out in her own mind. “They’re best friends and I—”
“You’re Van’s soul mate,” Amy finished, remembering the way Elena had described him to her that first time.
Elena shook her head. “Some soul mate I am, if I can’t even tell how much pain he’s in. What kind of friend am I?” She shook her head. “I never expected any of this. One night after class Jake is looking at me like…” She laughed and it sounded hard and bitter. “Like ‘Noah’ looks at ‘Luke.’”
Amy reared back a little in her seat. All of this was getting more complicated than she thought.
“And then…he asked me out on a date,” Elena continued, incredulously. “I mean, Jake and I… I’ve known him as long as Van has, but… He was always a friend, always Van’s friend, Van’s co-star, acting partner. I left the show and we had class, but…I thought he was cute,” she laughed softly to herself. “I mean, he is cute.”
Amy smiled as well. She decided for now she would sit with Elena as the other girl tried to work all of this out in her mind.
“And I was flattered, and attracted, so I agreed to go out with him. And selfishly I didn’t think of Van. I thought about telling him, because I was a little worried, you know, when you start dating a friend, if it doesn’t work out, then what happens to all of us? But I just ignored that, all of my doubts, and went out on a date, and I really like him. And again, like I said, I was selfish, I didn’t check with Van, I didn’t even think how this would affect Van, not at first. I know that’s wrong, but I just let myself get caught up in all of this. I should have asked.” All the words stumbled out of her mouth. They sought a release and came out as she thought them.
Amy reached out and patted Elena’s hand. “You started to fall for a guy, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“There is if your best friend’s in love with him, too.”
“Did Van say he was in love with Jake?” Amy questioned. She wasn’t sure if Van was or wasn’t . There were some indicators that he could be, but whenever she asked, Van would evade her or change the subject altogether.
“I may not be as good a friend as I could be, but I can still read him. If he’s not in love with Jake yet, he will be soon.”
“Wow,” Amy murmured.
“And I don’t know what to do with that. As far as I know, Jake is my boyfriend, but when he’s with Van…I get the heated discussions. Well, not really,” Elena amended, “but I understand that’s what they do. They fight and tease, it’s part of who they are. But that night…the way they’d finish each other’s thoughts? I guess I kind of wonder who his soul mate is and who’s his best friend.”
Again, Amy sat with Elena letting Elena’s words come and not wanting to interrupt. But after a few moments, Amy wanted to do more to help her. “Elena, what do you want?”
She picked up her cold coffee cup and set it down, wanting to be distracted from her gut reaction. “I keep thinking about what we were like before all of this. Van and Jake were great friends, Van and I were best friends and Jake and I…” her voice trailed off.
“You and Jake?”
“I didn’t really think about dating him before he asked me out. He wasn’t mine,” she murmured.
*
When Jake woke the next morning, he knew where he had to go, and what he had to do. He just didn’t know if he had the strength to do it.
He couldn’t go back to Van’s. He didn’t know what he would say and a part of him feared what he would do in Van’s presence. He could still taste him: he could still feel that determination and want, but he didn’t know if it was Van’s or his own.
Jake knocked on the apartment door, and even though he knew he had to talk to Elena, he kind of hoped she wasn’t there as well.
Slowly the door swung open and she looked at him. There wasn’t the usual light or cheerfulness in her eyes, no smile tugging at her lips. “Hello, Jake,” she greeted him.
His arms ached to reach for her, to pull her to him. He hadn’t wanted any of this. He didn’t want to see the want in Van’s eyes, he didn’t want to see the hurt in Elena’s, and he didn’t want to not know how to feel for either one of them. “Can I come in?”
She moved away from the door and into her apartment, assuming he would follow her. She sort of crash-landed on her couch. She was simply exhausted from everything. She didn’t really want to talk to Jake. She didn’t know what to say to him. But when she closed her eyes, she thought of Van, and all that he’d been through and all that he’d had to deal with in these past few weeks and she knew she would do this for Van. He deserved that much.
Jake closed the door behind and slowly made his way over to the couch. He sat down next to her, but not too close.
“What do you want to talk about?” she asked. It felt stupid to ask it, because they both knew why he was there. But she wondered if he expected her to bring it up or not.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. When Van…” his voice trailed off, remembering that conversation and the numbness he felt. “When Van,” he tried again, clearing his throat. “When he told me how he felt. I…I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think, and you know in a situation like that, Van would be the first person I would talk to, but it was about Van and— Well, there was you, too.”
She tried not to be hurt by his last statement; it felt like an afterthought. She’d wondered if that’s what she had become to him. Just some girl he dated, so he didn’t have to think about his best friend in love with him. “Jake, I…” she stopped herself, not sure what to say, but that she thought he expected her to say something. “There’s no way to get out of this, is there?” she wondered.
“What do you mean?” he asked. His hand had been resting on the couch in the space between them, and slowly it started to slide over, reaching for hers. He stopped when his pinky rested against hers. He smiled when she didn’t jerk away.
“The three of us…where do the relationships begin and where do they end? I’m your girlfriend and his best friend. You’re my boyfriend and his best friend. And Van’s… None of them fit, do they? These ideas we have for each other, these labels we’ve given ourselves. If they’d had fit, I would have…maybe I would have considered him more and I would have thought about the consequences of us being together more.”
“Why do you have to think about consequences?” His hand moved again, until it was resting gently over hers. “I care about you, Elena. I like you, I like being with you, that’s why I asked you out. That’s why I wanted to be with you.”
She noted the past tense of “want,” but she didn’t really have the strength to ask about it. “Why do we have to think about consequences?” She turned, removing her hand from under his. “Because we’re all hurting right now. Because I don’t know who I am any more.”
“W-what are you talking about?”
“I thought I was your girlfriend and Van’s best friend, but I’m not, am I? I’m the girl who hurt Van, because I’m with you.”
He jumped up away from her. “Why are we focusing on Van? Why can’t we just have one conversation where it’s not about him?”
She jumped up as well, and knew that they should have had this conversation first, they should have talked about this before she ever agreed to go out with him. “Because he’s in this just as much as we are!” she fired back. “He’s here with us, he’s in my heart, and I know he has to be in yours.”
He didn’t know what she meant by that, but there was so much truth in it, that he felt he owed her a truth as well—even if it would hurt. “I kissed Van,” he murmured.
Somehow Elena knew she’d hear that sentence. There was too much in her question, Do you really want to be with me? Or do you want Van? She had been asking Jake who he wanted more and when he couldn’t answer, she knew then that it was Van—his silence spoke volumes.
“Were there cameras…or was this a moment between the two of you?” she asked.
He felt a wave of nausea hit and he had to sit down again. He ducked his head, placing his hands on the back of his neck.
“I see,” she said, sitting down next to him. “I won’t ask what it was like, or what this means, because I have a pretty good idea.”
He wanted to ask her what that was, because Jake had no idea. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
She didn’t know what for and a part of her was angry that Jake would apologize for kissing Van, because she knew how much that kiss meant to Van and now he was trying to take it away. “So that’s it,” she said.
“What do you mean?” he asked, turning and he looked up so he could face her.
“Us. The three of us. I want you, Van wants you and you want…” she left her question hang in the air between them.
But he would not reach up and answer it. “Elena, I do want to be with you.”
“At who’s expense? If he’s been hurting this whole time…I have been a horrible friend to him, not checking with him, hurting him in this.”
“I know and I never wanted Van to be hurt, and we’re…” he stopped. He was going to say “trying” but he hated that word. He hated having to use that word with Van. How do you try with your best friend? He’d never had to try before, he and Van were just Jake and Van; right from the start they fit. And even after he started dating Elena, when they were figuring everything out, Van was still there. But then that day, that conversation and that shift, nothing felt like just Van and Jake, not until last night, not until Jake felt like he didn’t have to try, he could just be himself with Van, telling Van how sorry he was for hurting him and then…
“Jake, I like you so much,” she told him. This was so difficult, so much more difficult than she realized it would be. “I like being with you, I like the way you make me feel, but I don’t think I can…” Her voice halted, the realization of what she was about to say, making her eyes sting and her throat want to close. “We have to break up.”
“Elena, no.” He didn’t want that. He didn’t want her hurt.
“How can we?” she asked. She really wanted an answer, she wanted an answer that wouldn’t hurt anyone, but there wasn’t one. “Please, just…you kissed him. It might have been once, but you kissed Van, ‘Noah’ didn’t kiss ‘Luke.’ And I…I can’t be with you if you don’t know what you want. And I can’t be with you if Van still wants you. Because I’m going to wonder…”
“You don’t have to wonder, because…”
She looked at him, crossing her arms over her chest, almost daring him to lie to her. “Because?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I never expected any of this.”
“I know. But we’re here now and everything we’ve done, even the choices you and Van made, they’ve brought us here. We’re together, but not really. And whatever it is that you share with Van, I can’t be a part of.”
“Elena…” He hated the truth and resignation in her voice, but at the same time, he knew she was right. He reached out for her, slowly pulling her close. He stopped when there were mere inches separating them. Jake looked into Elena’s eyes. They didn’t hold the usual desire, there was a little bit of apprehension, and there was more truth for him to hate.
She smiled gently, her head cupping back, her hair falling away from her face. She closed the distance between them and pressed a kiss to his lips.
It wasn’t full of determination, nor desire. It tasted like good-bye. Fleeting, so fleeting he almost didn’t recognize it as his own thoughts, Jake wondered if Van’s kiss tasted like hello.
*
Elena knew there was one more person she had to see. She didn’t know if she’d have the strength to do it, but she was reminded of how she’d treated him in the past, and part of these changes she saw, she could not live with—not without talking to Van.
When she buzzed his apartment, he let her in without checking.
Van seemed surprised when she came to the door.
“Were you expecting someone else?” she asked.
“Uh…” He couldn’t tell her, he was hoping it was Jake. Van knew better, he knew better than to expect Jake, but sometimes that’s the funny thing about hope. You can’t let it go, no matter what your head tells you. “Take out,” he murmured. “I ordered take-out, or I thought about ordering take-out. I can’t remember.”
She knew he was lying, but she also knew better than to press. “I’m sorry,” she replied, the first honest words she felt she could say to him.
Van winced slightly. Those two words. He’d felt them and said them and heard them too much lately. When he thought about Jake’s comment, his desire to go back to normal, Van longed for that as well. But the inevitable question of how, that eluded him.
“I don’t know what else to say,” she told him. A part of Elena was dying to know how he was doing, and more about that kiss with Jake. She wanted to bring it up, but she didn’t have any answers for why it had happened, and talking to Van about it…in the past, maybe she could have, but now…she felt that damage to their friendship. She’d felt it too much. Maybe this was her way of saying good-bye to Van, like she had to with Jake.
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t even want Jake to know,” he told her honestly, truthfully, and gratefully, because he could finally speak freely. She was his soul mate, and he hadn’t felt that in so long. He wanted it back. Maybe it was part of that “normal” Jake had discussed.
“When did you…?” her voice trailed off. She didn’t know if she could do this. They were treading carefully around each other. They had been for a few weeks, since she’d started dating Jake. But also she wondered if she’d ever be able to understand everything that had happened and everything she had done, would she be able to start with listening to her best friend discuss his personal and intimate feelings for a man she felt very much the same for. And she realized, why he had kept it to himself, why he’d been so hesitant. She didn’t think she could do that, so why could she expect Van to?
Van looked at Elena. She looked as exhausted as he felt, but he knew what she wanted. She wanted answers. Van wished he could give them to her. Ever since Jake asked Elena out on a date, Van’s whole world had been upside down. “With Jake, and… I didn’t realize…I didn’t know until I thought I was going to lose him.”
She sadly shook her head. “You’d never lose him.” If nothing else, Elena knew that.
“I think I already have.” Almost of their own accord his fingers reached, up skimming across his lips. It had been 18 hours and his lips still tingled from Jake’s touch.
Elena looked at Van, seeing his gesture. “He kissed you.”
“He told you?” He took a few eager steps to her, wanting to know everything, every detail that he shared with her, hoping for some new insights.
“Yes.” She gave him a sad smile, wanting to make him happy, but not at the expense of her own heart. That seemed inevitable now. She’d lost Jake. They hadn’t been together long, but it was more than the loss of a boyfriend, someone to love and care for, she’d felt like she’d lost her friend, maybe both of them.
“I didn’t—”
She half expected him to say he didn’t kiss Jake back, but she knew that wasn’t the case. “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings in all of this. I’m sorry if you think I got caught up in Jake and only him, but…I never expected you to—”
“Me neither,” he told her, trying to assure her.
“But he’s Jake,” she whispered. She vaguely remembered calling Van after her first date and him saying those very words to her, assuring her as to why her date with their friend would be so great and so perfect.
Van looked at her for a moment. He couldn’t be her supportive friend, not in this. But how could he say goodbye to her? “Whatever you and Jake want, I will support you.”
“Then why don’t I believe you?” she questioned. She didn’t mean for it to be harsh or accusatory, she was so tired of hearing about what the other wanted and seeing something so completely different.
“Elena, I can’t be your best friend about this!” The words were angry and sad, not meant to be hurtful, but for once, Van wanted them to consider his feelings, instead of Jake’s ignoring and pleading for change, and Elena’s obliviousness.
“I know,” she replied, quietly, resigned. “I made the mistake. I wanted someone who was closer to you than I was.”
“I don’t want you to think of Jake as a mistake. He wants you, he’s always made that clear to me,” Van told her. Despite that kiss, Van could still see the fear in Jake’s eyes, as he left his apartment. That was something that couldn’t be taken away. He could feel the heat of Jake’s kiss. He could revel in the knowledge that Jake had kissed him. But he couldn’t forget the fear.
“You care for him, that much?” she murmured. “You’d sacrifice what you want, for his happiness?”
“If I am never what he wants, then how I can be happy?”
And just as Van had told her before, Elena realized, she could not be Van’s best friend, not when it came to this. “So we stop,” she said, working it all out in her tired heart, ready to quit. “We don’t talk, we don’t see each other.”
“Elena—”
“You and Jake seem to be trying to figure all of this out. And I haven’t been a part of it.” She was no longer accusatory, more statements of fact. “Maybe I still shouldn’t be a part of this. When you’re able to…be friends again, or whatever you choose to be… Will you let me know?”
This wasn’t what he wanted. He knew it wasn’t what she wanted either. But then Van realized, maybe it was what they needed.
“Yes,” his voice broke. His heart screamed to take them back, but his voice was broken and he couldn’t say another word.
Elena nodded her head, understanding the meaning behind his final statement. “I love you, Van,” she told him, and gave him a brief hug before leaving.
It wasn’t good-bye, it felt like it was, like her last kiss with Jake.
- Mood: good
Title: Realize
Chapter: Eleven
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Again, thank you all so much for stopping by and commenting. I love hearing from you. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Eleven )
</div>Jake had a late taping day at the studio, so he would miss that evening’s class. In a way, Elena thought it was a good thing. Jake had been a little awkward around Amy, and Elena thought his presence might hinder any chance Elena had to talk to Amy.
When Amy walked into the classroom, her eyes immediately fell on Elena. She had been dreading this class. She didn’t think she would be able to look Jake in the eye, not after learning about Van’s feelings and their decision to keep it hidden from Elena.
Van and Amy had gone out again, but both knowing that whatever relationship they would have, it would have to be friendship, some of the excitement and giddiness had been defused. Amy offered to be Van’s friend, to listen if he needed it, but Van had immediately closed up, not able to talk about Jake.
“Hi, Amy!” Elena called out, waving her hand, gesturing for the blonde to join her.
Amy took a deep breath, trying to erase the image of Van’s sad eyes from her mind. “Hi,” she returned the greeting. Amy placed her bag on the floor and looked around. “Where’s Jake?”
“Oh, working at the studio. Didn’t Van tell you?”
“Uh…” The blonde shook her head, trying to focus on Elena. “We haven’t really talked in a couple of days.”
“Oh…” There was no way to hide the disappointment in Elena’s voice.
Amy wasn’t sure what more there was to say. She did like Elena and she liked Van, but after everything she saw, she didn’t know what she could do.
“So you and Van…?” Elena started again, letting her question hang in the air.
Amy smiled sadly. “I like Van, but—” She held up her hand when she saw Elena about to respond. “We’re just friends, and I think it’ll stay that way. I liked hanging out with you and Jake, I really did, but as far as it being more than just friends hanging out… I wouldn’t expect that.”
“Okay.” Elena nodded her head. “I hope I didn’t pressure you or anything, Jake was really hesitant to do this.”
“He was?” Amy asked. She knew about Van’s feelings for Jake, but she didn’t have a clear idea of Jake’s feelings for Van.
“Well, he wouldn’t say it, and maybe I can’t read Jake as well as Van, but we’re all trying to figure this out. And we thought if Van had met someone, then maybe…”
“No, I understand.” Too well, Amy added silently to herself.
Before the girls could continue their conversation though, it was time for class, and Amy was relieved.
*
After Van and Jake wrapped for the day, Van wasn’t ready to say goodnight yet. They’d been working well together and getting along. But they didn’t really have a chance to hang out again, just the two of them. Van wanted to believe they could be friends, and Jake did too, but neither one knew how to do that without the big elephant of that “something more” walking along with them.
“Do you want to grab a bite to eat?” Van asked.
Jake turned to him and there was a silent hesitancy in his smile. Van was worried that Jake was going to try and let him down gently again.
“Or not,” Van added quickly.
“No, it’s not that,” Jake assured him. He didn’t even question how he could read Van so well. “It’s Thursday.”
“Tae Kwan Do night.”
“Yeah, and since I missed class, I was going to get a late dinner with Elena. Did you want to come with us?”
Van briefly closed his eyes. The thought of seeing them together, left him feeling uneasy. “No, that’s okay.”
“Sure?” But Jake regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. He was uncomfortable on that double date, but just the three of them…he didn’t think he could do that at all. He’d be so aware of everything he said and everything Van said and did, that he wouldn’t even be able to concentrate on Elena.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” Van gave him a tight smile and walked away.
*
When Jake met up with Elena, he knew immediately something was wrong. She barely returned his greeting and her brow was furrowed. “Elena, everything okay?” he asked, kissing her on the forehead.
“Uh…no, actually.” She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts, but decided that Jake could probably help her anyway.
“What’s going on?” he asked, and a part of him feared her response.
“Has Van talked to you about Amy?”
“No, why would he?” Jake asked, not bothering to tell her that he has purposely avoided any conversations about the girl.
“Well, I saw Amy in class tonight and she was insistent that she and Van were just friends, and nothing more. But I thought…you remember them together, right?”
A wave of nauseousness came over him, as he remembered that night and what he felt. “S-sure.”
“I mean, didn’t it seem…”
“I’m not sure what is going on with Van and Amy.” He sighed, glad he could at least be truthful about that.
“I just thought they…seemed happy and that maybe Van would finally get used to the idea of us.”
“Yeah…” Jake just did not know what to say, and he felt like the walls were closing in on him. “I have to go.”
“What? Jake, I thought we were having dinner.”
“Yeah, I left my wallet at the studio, and I need to go get it.”
“I can pay.”
“No!”
Elena took a step and then another back, away from Jake. The voice in her head was screaming at her to demand Jake to finally tell her what was going on. But she knew it would be an act of futility, because he wouldn’t. Or maybe he couldn’t.
“I’ll…I’ll be back when I can.” He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, and offered a distracted wave before heading out.
*
Van didn’t know what to think when less than an hour after he’d left the studio, his apartment buzzed. He was just debating where to order take-out and briefly wondered if he’d done it before leaving work so it would be ready when he got home.
“Yeah?”
“Van, it’s me Jake.”
“Did you change your mind?” he asked, hoping so much that the answer would be yes.
“No. We…uh…can I come up?”
Without responding, Van hit the button to release the front door. A few minutes later, Jake entered his apartment without knocking. He looked like he’d been sweating and he was clearly agitated.
“What’s wrong?” Van asked, going up to him immediately. He started to reach out, but stopped suddenly, his hands frozen in place on either side of Jake’s cheeks.
“What’s going on with you and Amy?” Jake asked. There were so many things he wanted to say to Van, but that was the first thing that came out.
Van shook his head, trying to understand the words Jake was saying. He let his hands fall, briefly grazing Jake’s shoulders, before he tucked them in his own pockets. “Why do you want to know?”
“Amy was in class tonight, and Elena… She wants to know why you and Amy…”
“I don’t feel about Amy the way I feel about you,” Van told him, quietly, stating a simple fact.
Jake looked at Van for a moment. He wondered about that. He wondered if Van had moved past him. And Jake refused to acknowledge his own relief at that statement.
Since Jake’s gaze had yet to waver from Van’s, Van took a step closer. “I tried…but I just can’t seem to forget about you.”
“Van…” Jake’s voice softened. “We have to tell Elena the truth.”
The blonde squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want Elena to know. He didn’t know why, but he had this feeling that once she knew…maybe it would make it all more real, and he was having a difficult time as it was, without adding more pressure.
Jake took a step closer to Van. He knew Van was uncomfortable and he wanted to help, but he didn’t know how. “I just…I feel I’m lying to her.”
“I know, and if that’s what you want—”
“No, it’s not what I want!” Jake snapped, and as soon as he saw the flash of hurt in Van’s eyes, he reached out and gently placed his hand on Van’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. But whenever I talk to her, I feel that I’m…what did you say, having two conversations?”
“Yeah,” Van replied softly, trying to concentrate on his words instead of the feel of Jake’s hand on him. They hadn’t really touched or hugged in a while, and Van knew Jake meant it to be comforting, but it felt like more. What Van didn’t know was…if it felt like more to Jake as well.
“I just…” Jake sighed and his grip tightened. “I want to go back…all of us being friends.”
Van immediately leapt onto Jake’s words. “You don’t want to be with Elena?”
Jake’s hand jumped off of Van’s shoulder, and Van knew he had said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean that,” Jake told him, weariness in his voice.
“What did you mean?” Van asked softly, trying to get back some of that ability he had to just be able to read Jake.
“Please, just stop talking,” Jake replied, starting to turn away. “You’re confusing me.”
Van grabbed Jake’s arm and tugged, forcing the brunette to look at him. “Why am I confusing you? Jake, have I done anything—”
Jake pulled away. “We’ll tell her,” he said resolutely. “We’ll tell Elena why you didn’t want me to see her and why you and Amy…” He swallowed. “Well, then we can clear everything up. It will all go back to normal.”
Van knew what Jake was doing and yet it felt like Jake was ripping out both of their hearts, causing them unnecessary pain. “What’s normal?” Van whispered.
“Us.” The reply was simple in its totality and yet it said so much more.
Van’s gaze locked onto Jake’s.
“Friends. Us. Friends,” the brunette quickly amended.
“Whatever you say.”
*
Elena was surprised when Jake called, instead of coming right back. “I’m with Van,” he told her after his greeting.
“Okay…” she said slowly, and she was left surprised by her lack of surprise at Jake’s statement.
“Will you come meet us for dinner?” Jake asked.
“Sure, but I thought you wanted it to be just the two of us, when I asked—”
“No, it’ll be better this way. We’re at Van’s place. We’re waiting for you.”
“I’ll be there soon,” she told him and hung up.
Closing his phone, Jake turned to Van. “She’s on her way.”
Van let out a breath. He desperately wanted to ask Jake if he was sure about this, but he already knew the answer. “Do you want a drink or…something?”
“No.”
“Jake…” Van’s voice trailed off.
Jake slowly made his way over to Van. He stopped when there was just a few breaths separating them. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell her sooner. I’m sorry, I can’t…”
Van looked at Jake. “I’m sorry too, for hurting you and…”
“I know.”
Jake started to reach out; he wasn’t sure what he expected to do with his hands, or where to put them—nervous fluttering—they finally rested on Van’s shoulders. Van reached for Jake’s hands, afraid they would still move, or maybe he just wanted the physical connection. He often felt their words were a thread, linking Van’s heart to Jake’s and when they argued, it grew stronger, but lately, it was shredding and about to break.
They simply stood, staring at each other. For once there were no words, and yet Van knew that the thread was stronger than ever.
The buzz from Van’s front door made both of them jump. He gave Jake a small smile before going over to buzz Elena in. A few minutes later, she was there. Van had the door open, trying to keep some distance between himself and Jake.
“That was fast,” Jake said, when Elena raced past Van into the apartment. She pulled Jake close for a hug.
“I was worried, I know something is going on, you’re both so…” her voice trailed off.
Van was tempted to ask Elena what she was thinking. He knew how awkward and uncomfortable he was around Jake, but he had no idea how Jake was around Elena.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “I thought we were past all of this awkwardness.”
“We-we are,” Van told her. At least, that’s what he and Jake had been working so hard to. Maybe this would be the final push they needed to be “just friends” again. But when Van thought about his relationship with Jake, “just friends” didn’t seem to cover it either.
“Okay…” Her gaze left Van’s and was aimed at Jake. “Tell me. What is going on?”
He swallowed. Now that the moment was here, Jake didn’t actually know how to say the words out-loud. They were pounding in his head, constantly, louder and faster whenever he was with Van and sometimes…when a moment came that did not feel like friendship, they were softer, a dull beat—what he usually associated with Elena. With the two of them there in front of him, the words…there seemed to be a loudness, and then an echo of solitude.
“Jake…” She reached out for him, taking his hand in hers.
“Well, it’s um—”
“I like Jake,” Van blurted out.
Elena’s face scrunched in confusion. “Yeah, I do too.” She was glad to hear that much at least, fearful that part of their problems were Van and Jake not getting along.
“No, I like Jake.”
Jake stood there for a moment, not able to say anything. Elena looked from Van to Jake and then back again. And in her sweep, it was all clarified in her mind; she realized how and why Van was so upset.
“Van?” she whispered.
“It’s okay…” he tried to assure her. “It’s not as though he likes me back.”
Jake shut his eyes, hoping to shut out the pain in Van’s voice. It made everything hurt.
“So…that’s why you were upset and why you and Amy—”
Van held up his hands again trying to reassure her. “She is a great girl, and she’s okay with the two of us just being friends.”
“She knows?” Elena wondered.
Jake’s eyes flew open, wanting to know the answer as well.
“I—Well—”
“No!” Elena held up her hand, shaking her head. “Please, stop talking. Jake and you kept this from me. Amy even knows how you feel about Jake, but I don’t? Why do you guys keep making decisions about my relationship with Jake? First, you get upset. Then Jake offers to break up with me, just so you won’t be upset. And now—” She briefly paused, turning to look at Jake, realizing he still hadn’t said a word yet.
“Do you really want to be with me? Or do you want Van?”
Jake’s gaze immediately went Van. There was so much pain in Van’s eyes and Jake wanted to take it away, but he didn’t know how and he didn’t know what to say.
“I see,” she whispered, and everything clarified itself in her mind. She knew Van and Jake; she knew them together and apart. She did not know what every look or sentence meant, but she was beginning to.
That moment was what helped Jake to snap out of his reverie. “No, you don’t,” he insisted. “Van and I—” How could he finish that sentence? “Elena, I really like you.”
“But do you like Van more?” There was no hurt or pain, just resolution.
Van watched all of this unfold in front of him, watched the fear and confusion in Jake’s eyes. The stumbling for words, the right words, but not knowing what they could be. More than anything he wanted the answer to be yes. But he also knew that what he wanted and what Jake needed, weren’t necessarily the same thing. “It doesn’t matter,” he replied for Jake. (
Both of them turned and looked at Van.
“Jake and I…” He took a moment, trying to think of what they needed him to say. “We’re friends. I know how it is. He wants you. Can we stop talking about this? It doesn’t change anything.”
And yet, Elena knew that wasn’t the whole truth either. “I have to go,” she replied.
“What?” the alarm in Jake’s voice grew louder and he started to reach out for her.
“I-I’m sorry, I can’t think about this right now.” She looked at both guys, hoping one of them would say this was all a joke. She even hoped for a promise that this would all go away. She wanted to know that whatever else was going on, whatever else they were feeling, would be ignored. But she knew it was more than even what they were telling her and that promise wouldn’t come.
And she couldn’t stay. A small part of her wondered what they would do, what they would decide without her there. Maybe I never was a part of this?
With one last look at the two men she cared the most for in the world, Elena rushed out of the apartment, hoping to catch her breath.
After a few moments, when the air seemed to stop vibrating from Elena’s sudden departure, Van said, “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
Van blinked, shaking his head. “What?”
“Why do you like me? Why are you putting us through all of this?” Jake knew it wasn’t fair. He hated how he sounded, especially to himself, but he couldn’t stop either. “She’s your best friend, how can you—”
Van took one angry step and then another closer to Jake. “Do you think I wanted to feel this way about you? Do you really think I want to hurt her and you? Jake, I—”
“Yeah, I know,” he admitted, but he wanted something to blame for his own feelings and the hurt he saw in Van’s eyes and Elena’s.
“Then stop acting like I did this on purpose.” Van tugged gently on Jake’s arm, hoping he would look at him, really look at him. “Stop acting like I am out to hurt you. The last thing I want is you to be hurt.”
Jake let out a breath. “You keep saying that, and yet every time I am with you…” He slowly let his gaze wander over Van’s face. “I know I’m hurting you. And if you don’t think that hurts me, then…because Van…I—”
“What?” Van cut him off; wanting so much to know everything that Jake was feeling in that moment.
“I don’t want you to be hurt.”
“I know,” he replied sadly. It was such a Jake thing to say, such a “friend” thing and it was the last thing Van wanted to hear.
“And?” Jake prompted, knowing somehow that that wasn’t the answer Van wanted to hear.
“What?” he asked, his voice heavy and his shoulders slumping under the weight of his own desires not being met.
“I don’t know how not to hurt you.”
“You’re not.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was what Jake needed to hear, and that was what Van needed to know.
Jake took a couple of steps towards. “Are you sure?”
Van took a couple of steps toward Jake as well. “Don’t worry about me.”
“But I do.”
He offered Jake a half-smile. “That’s why you’re so great.”
The brunette shrugged, feeling so much more in those words—the reassurances and comfort. But there was more, Jake couldn’t define it, but he never could with Van, either. “Van—”
The other man finally closed the gap between them. He stood there, his eyes darkening slightly. “It’s okay.” Van felt that thread between them grow, a rope tying them together.
Slowly, Jake leaned down, his forehead bumping with Van’s once, twice, before resting gently. “Are you sure?”
“I promise,” Van whispered, his breath invading Jake’s mouth, as the brunette separated his lips.
For once, there were no words and it made all the difference. Van tilted his head slightly, and Jake closed the distance between them.
Van’s eyes sprang open the moment Jake’s lips touched his. He’d hoped for this moment; he’d experienced it before, as “Luke.” But this was different; there was no sound from the cameras and crew. There were no lights that were so bright, even with his eyes closed he was aware of everything around him. In this moment, there was only Jake. He leaned in further, trying to find a better angle, and then he heard a sigh. It took Van a moment to realize it wasn’t him.
Jake.
Jake was in this moment with him. Jake was kissing him. Point of fact, Jake had kissed him first. Van tried to revel in that, but he knew the moment Jake opened his eyes, the moment reality caught up to Jake’s feelings that all of this would end.
But…he decided, and slowly dragged his fingers into Jake’s hair. Van pulled away slightly to catch his breath and sighed when he felt Jake lean in again to deepen the kiss. That moment wasn’t here yet.
- Mood: anxious
Title: Realize
Chapter: Ten
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Thank you all so much for reading and stopping by every Sunday and Wednesday. It means more than I can say. Comments are always welcome, constructive or love. Thank you! ~Ali
( Chapter Ten )
Jake glanced at Van. Van had been helping Amy get her jacket on. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders, smoothing down any gaps. “Uh, yeah,” Van replied. He could feel Jake’s gaze on him, but he couldn’t look at him, either. He was tired of lying, and he knew Jake would see right through him.
</div>Work was going well. There were no awkward stops or starts and he was to living up to his nickname, “One-Take-Jake.”
Most importantly, Elena and Jake were doing well. They were still dating, enjoying each other’s company. The only problem was when Elena would mention Amy or Van, and Jake felt a tug in his gut. He felt like he was should say something, he should admit to Elena what Van had told him, but since Van seemed to be focusing on Amy and away from Jake—at least that’s what Jake thought—he didn’t want to make Elena unhappy by telling her the real reason Van didn’t want them together.
Everything was going great, Jake thought.
And then Elena told her news. “We’re going out tomorrow night.”
They were sitting on his couch, eating take-out and watching a movie. He put his plate down, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close. “That sounds great,” he whispered, placing a gentle kiss against the shell of her ear. “But I like it when we get to stay in…” He dipped his head lower, kissing the spot just below her ear, where it met her neck.
Elena’s breathing turned a little shallow. “I do too.”
He reached out, taking the plate out of her hand, and then cupping her cheek, turning her head, so she was facing him. He placed a gentle kiss against her lips.
When they pulled apart, she smiled. “I love being with you.”
He smiled in return. “I love being with you.”
“But tomorrow, we’re going out with Amy and Van.”
“What?” his hands fell away from her face.
“Yeah, I talked to Amy and suggested it.”
“Suggested or cajoled?” he asked, trying not to think about that tugging in his gut again. He swallowed, thinking maybe it had something to do with his dinner.
She narrowed her eyes for a moment. “Jake? What’s wrong with going out with Van and Amy?”
“Nothing. I just…they barely know each other, isn’t it a little soon to push another couple on them?”
“We’re all friends, right? If none of us were dating, we would probably all go out,” she said reasonably. Sometimes she wondered about Jake. He’d say something or he’d get this look in his eye—only about Van—and Elena couldn’t read him.
“Van’s…” Jake sighed and pulled further away from Elena.
“Van is what?” she asked. Jake was giving her the opportunity to ask what she saw in Jake whenever their friend was mentioned. She hoped he’d finally give her an answer.
“He’s still trying to figure this all out, right? Us. Him and…and…you.” Jake took a deep breath. He had some close to saying him and me and he wasn’t ready to talk about it—not with Van, and especially not with Elena.
There was more, Elena could feel it, but looking at Jake, something stopped her from asking what. “I’m not trying to pressure them. I just want Van to be happy, don’t you want that too?”
Jake jumped up from his place on the couch. “How could you ask me that?” he demanded. He never expected Van to want him, to think of him as more than a friend, but now, all the questions, all the talk about friends and what that means… The last thing Jake wanted was to be questioned about his feelings for Van and how much he cared for his best friend. All Jake wanted was his best friend to be happy. He just didn’t know how to make that happen.
Elena stood up as well. “Jake, what is going on?”
“I—” As he opened his mouth, all Jake could picture was Amy and hearing Van laugh when he was on the phone with her. The thought of spending three hours with the two of them, watching Van with her… He couldn’t even stand to listen to Van talk about Amy, what he would do when he had to see them up close and personal?
“Jake?” Elena tilted her head to the side, watching him, hoping maybe he’d answer some of her questions.
“I want Van to be happy,” he assured her.
“As happy as us?” she asked.
He smiled and leaned down, to give her a kiss. “I just want everyone to be happy.”
*
Sitting in a restaurant, waiting for Van and Amy to arrive, Jake looked over at Elena. She had looked especially lovely that night. He knew it was a new dress and he’d made sure to compliment her on it. She’d smiled and kissed him, and Jake felt content. He wanted to spend the rest of the night in her apartment, in her smile and kisses and non-complications. But just as soon as he opened his mouth to suggest cancelling, he closed it. Before Van’s revelation, Jake never would have hesitated to spend time with him. He didn’t want to hurt Elena, and all his awkwardness and frustration, all that would do was hurt Elena.
Jake sighed, but he didn’t realize it until Elena patted his hand gently. “It’s Van. You know he’s always late,” she assured him.
It hadn’t been that long, but still Jake wanted the whole evening to end sooner rather than later. “Yeah, but—”
Before Jake could finish his sentence, Van and Amy appeared at their table. Their cheeks were flushed and Van was holding Amy’s hand.
Van’s eyes searched Jake’s and when they finally found the answer they were looking for, he smiled crookedly. Jake found himself smiling in return.
“Sorry we’re late,” Amy said.
Van held out a chair for Amy—it was across from Elena, and thus, Van would be sitting across from Jake. Van didn’t realize it at first just, that he wanted to get this date over with as quickly as possible. He’d been trying with Amy, but when she mentioned the double date, he’d almost told her everything, just to get out of it, but decided not to after all.
“It’s all right,” Elena assured Amy.
“Uh, yeah,” Jake agreed distractedly.
Amy shook her head and ran her fingers through her strawberry blond hair a few times. “Well, the truth is, my zipper was stuck, and without Van’s patience I probably would have ruined it.” She looked at Van and they both chuckled softly.
Jake felt nauseous with visions of Amy’s zipper and Van’s “patience.” And then there were the matching smiles and the laugh that showed only they knew what they were talking about. Jake didn’t know if Van was able to get over him so quickly, but more than that, whenever Jake had seen Van like that, it was with him. Normally, Jake would realize these feelings as jealousy. Now, all he could think about was confusion.
Trying to clear his head, Jake reached for his water glass, and it sloshed a little, drawing everyone’s attention to him. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“Everything okay?” Elena leaned close and whispered in his ear.
Van’s demeanor changed instantly. He wanted to ask Jake if he was okay, but he realized he didn’t have the right. He watched Jake for a moment, watched a sort of calm come over him—something Van never really seemed to do—just entice him into a fight.
Jake smiled tightly. “It’s fine,” he murmured.
“My roommate,” Amy blurted out. All three of them turned to look at her.
“What?” Elena asked.
“My roommate was helping me pick out an outfit and I wasn’t sure about the blouse I had on, and when I was changing, it got caught in the zipper. So, poor Van is waiting in the living room for me, while I’m screaming at my roommate to come in and help me.”
“Oh,” Jake replied, and Van wondered if he was the only to notice how relieved Jake appeared.
“Yeah, when I got to Amy’s, her roommate answered the door, and I heard Amy yell something about being right there. And then I heard a crash and ‘Beth!’”
Van and Amy started to chuckle again.
“Beth is my roommate,” Amy explained. “I was trying to twist the skirt around to get to the zipper, and I ran into the bed.” She shook her head and a blush slid up her neck until her cheeks were enflamed. “And he was early!” she exclaimed. “Like 15 minutes early.”
“Don’t tell them that,” Van told her conspiratorially. “I’m notoriously late, they’ll never believe you.”
Hearing Van use that word, Jake thought about them and that lunch. It had been so painful, but he also remembered the way they had been able to start getting past all of that, starting with that hug. If he closed his eyes, sometimes he could still feel Van’s breath against his neck, as he burrowed close.
“Notorious?” Amy asked, cocking an eyebrow. “That’s an odd word choice.”
“It’s…Jake’s word for my lack of punctuality,” Van explained and Amy glanced at the brunette. There was something about Jake and the way he was looking at Van…like the way he greeted Elena that night in class when Amy realized they were together. “He got a word-a-day calendar as a gag gift for Christmas last year,” Van said, turning to look Jake straight in the eye, “he just doesn’t realize it.”
“Just because it’s a joke doesn’t mean it isn’t useful,” Jake replied.
“That’s the whole point of a gag gift, Jake,” Van fired back.
“What kind of name is gag gift anyway?”
“A gag, like a joke,” Van said, gesturing with his hands.
“Okay, you can say gag, but I get razzed for saying notorious.”
“Did you seriously just say razzed?” Van asked, trying to suppress a smile.
“Are we seriously going to discuss vocabulary right now?” Jake asked. He saw Van’s smile, but he refused to back down.
Amy, not ever seeing Van nor Jake act this way, sat back for a few moments, trying not to be alarmed. Other people in the restaurant started to look at their table and Amy glanced at Elena, but Elena was looking at her menu, as though her boyfriend and best friend weren’t snipping at each other.
“Elena,” Amy whispered fiercely.
She looked up from her menu and smiled. “Yes?”
Amy tilted her head at the two guys. They had moved on from vocabulary and were somehow talking about the New York Knicks; it was a little laughable, because Van knew to never say a bad word against the team Jake worshipped. “Is everything okay?” Amy asked.
It took Elena a moment to realize what Amy was talking about, and when she did, she chuckled softly. “It’s fine, they’re just having one of their ‘heated discussions.’”
“They have a name for this?” Amy whispered, trying not to be alarmed. The Van she knew was a sweet, funny guy. She didn’t know he was capable of this kind of passion or fire. It was quite a sight, and a little attractive, but then Amy realized, Jake was the one who brought this out of Van, and it seemed that Van had the same effect on Jake.
Van held up his hand. “Okay, I’ll let you win this one.”
“Let me win?” Jake replied, and his eyebrows rose so high, they almost met his hairline. “Van, I—”
“I’m hungry,” Van admitted. “And I think we’ve frightened away our waitress.”
“Waiter,” Jake corrected.
“Really?” Van checked.
“Yes, his name is James, Elena thinks he’s cute.”
“Hey,” Elena said, smacking Jake lightly on the arm. “Don’t you bring me into this.”
“I saw you,” Jake said, a smile tugging at his lips. “You kept tucking at this curl,” he replied, tucking a couple of strands behind her ear.
It was romantic and intimate, and Van felt so uncomfortable, like he was intruding. He glanced over at Amy and she smiled sympathetically. Van was afraid Elena had told Amy about his discomfort with Elena and Jake dating.
Elena blushed softly and Jake pressed a kiss to her forehead. Van cleared his throat, and Jake pulled away. He glanced briefly at Van, before reaching for his own menu.
Finally, their waiter returned, asking Van and Amy what they would like to drink. When he returned a few minutes later, both couples ordered their food.
“So…” Elena looked at Amy and then Van. “How is everything going?”
The couple in question looked at each other, trying to read how the other wanted to answer Elena’s inquiry. “Good,” Van replied slowly and when he saw Amy nod her head slightly, he turned back to Elena. “It’s good. We’re just hanging out. She refused to let me see where she works, though.”
Amy chuckled softly and patted Van’s arm. “I keep telling him, I’d be too self-conscious giving one of my tour talks with him there.”
“And I told her I wouldn’t make any funny faces.”
Elena shook her head and chuckled.
“Did you, uh, see that play?” Jake asked, trying to take part in the conversation, but not sure how to, either.
“Oh, yeah,” Amy started, but she got the feeling that maybe Van would be better at it. She looked at Van and he smiled in understanding.
That tugging on his gut came again, and this time Jake couldn’t attribute it to bad take-out.
“I think you’d really like it, Jake,” Van told his friend. “It was like that first play you took me to.”
“Oh, yeah, the one with—”
“Yeah. I think the lead actor was the same. I can’t remember his name, but he was—”
“Oh, with the…?”
“Right,” Van finished.
Jake smiled. “Yeah, that does sound good.”
Elena and Amy glanced at each other. Elena was used to the fighting, and Amy wasn’t quite sure what to make of Van’s relationship with Jake. She had some ideas, but thought it would be best to keep them to herself until she could talk to Van in private.
Van reached out for his water, and hoped no one else noticed how his hand was shaking. “Maybe we could go…?”
Jake glanced briefly at Elena. She knew he was asking her permission. She knew that her friendship with Van wasn’t the only one that had damaged a little in all of this. If a night out with Van could help all of them, then she’d be all for it. She smiled indulgently.
“Sounds great,” Jake told him.
Van smiled. “Good. I’ll get tickets. Since all your scenes are with me, I know your schedule.”
“Yeah,” Jake replied. “You would.”
Their waiter brought appetizers and the conversation continued on.
*
After dinner, the two couples hesitated at the door. They knew they were to go their separate ways, but Jake and Van feared one of the girls would suggest getting coffee somewhere, and both wanted the date to end as soon as possible.
“Thanks for inviting us,” Amy told Elena.
Jake wrapped his arm around Elena as she replied, “We’re so glad you came. This was fun, wasn’t it?” she asked, looking up at Jake.
Jake glanced at Van. Van had been helping Amy get her jacket on. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders, smoothing down any gaps. “Uh, yeah,” Van replied. He could feel Jake’s gaze on him, but he couldn’t look at him, either. He was tired of lying, and he knew Jake would see right through him.
“Well,” Amy reached for Van’s hand. “We should go,” she finished.
“Okay, well thanks for coming out tonight,” Elena replied, trying not to be hurt by Jake’s lack of response. But then she noticed the handholding and tried not to gush. She couldn’t wait to talk to Van or Amy about the night—hoping this dinner helped them to move past that friendship stage Van had talked about.
Van and Amy smiled and turned to leave. After a few steps, Van turned back and with his free hand, waved at Jake and Elena. “Good night.”
“Good night,” Jake whispered.
*
“I’ll walk you home,” Van suggested as they headed out of the restaurant. Amy only lived a couple of blocks away.
“Thanks,” she replied.
They walked the first block in silence and then Amy decided it was time to ask Van the questions that had been bothering her. “It was a nice evening,” she began.
“Yeah,” he agreed absent-mindedly. It wasn’t as painful as he thought it would be, but it wasn’t the kind of night he hoped to go through again any time soon.
“You know…I do like you, Van…” She didn’t know how to say this, but she decided to trudge through. “And I was kind of wondering, why you and I didn’t really spark. I mean, not that we have to, but I really like spending time with you.”
“I like you too, Amy,” he replied honestly. He did like her. He liked spending time with her, and he was glad he wasn’t hurting her. Despite the way he felt, like maybe he was making a new friend, it was nothing compared to what he’d felt with Jake. He’d really hoped that he could, but he didn’t want to use her, either.
“But it’s Jake.”
Van stopped walking, afraid she’d read his thoughts. “What?”
Amy stopped walking as well and looked at Van. Evening had settled, but the lights from the streets and buildings made it feel like the middle of the day. She could see his face clearly, and she knew she had made him uncomfortable. But she wanted to be honest, too. “I thought maybe it would be Elena; she had mentioned how close the three of you were.”
“We are. She’s one of my closest friends.”
“She said you were soul mates.”
He smiled softly. “She’s right.”
“And Jake?” Amy asked, wondering if he would tell her what she suspected.
“He’s my best friend.”
“And that’s it? Because after what I saw tonight…it’s you and Jake.”
“You’re wrong,” he insisted. He couldn’t think about him and Jake and anything beyond being best friends.
“So you don’t want him?”
Suddenly all the meanings for best friends and what should be said and what could be said…it made Van’s heart constrict and he decided it was time to stop. “I didn’t say that,” he said, his voice low and Amy almost didn’t hear him. “But Jake doesn’t—”
Amy wasn’t sure how Van planned to finish that sentence, but after what she had seen that night, she knew Van couldn’t. “Are you sure? I mean, you and Elena are close, but watching you with Jake, I thought…”
“He doesn’t.” The painful resolution in Van’s voice made Amy’s heart constrict.
“Does he know?” she whispered, because after what she had seen, she didn’t think Van could be alone in his feelings, and maybe Van wasn’t able to tell Jake yet. Amy thought because she wasn’t a part of their inner circle, that she could be a little bit more objective.
“Yeah, he knows,” Van said, his gaze meeting Amy’s. “But Elena doesn’t, and we don’t want to hurt her. So we’re—”
“Pretending?” she almost scoffed. They were actors, she knew that, and she wondered how far it went.
“No! Jake really likes Elena, and I love her, and—”
“You love him too?” Amy checked.
“As my best friend, yes, as something more…I think I could, I think I’m starting to.”
She reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. Amy knew Van, despite all of his talk of maybe and starting to, and the Van she saw with Jake tonight, it wasn’t like the “Luke” she saw with “Noah,” but the affection and love was there just as well. “Van—”
“He doesn’t want me back. And that’s…that’s just the way it is.”
Title: Realize
Chapter: Nine
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What happens to three friends when two fall in love?
Dedication: To J... the best beta in the world. Thank you for everything. This story would not have been written without you and our numerous “talks.”
Disclaimer: Complete fabrication, never happened, never expect to happen. No intentions to offend or cause harm.
Notes: Comments are welcome, constructive or love. Thanks! ~Ali
( Read more... )
When neither guy made a move for the check, she decided escape would be the best choice.
Billy was sitting on the couch, looking over his script, and Van hated to disturb him.
“No.”
Van sighed. “Well, our bubble’s burst,” he said with a sad shrug. “And maybe that’s for the best.”
Jake reached out and grabbed Van’s hands. “Please stop reminding me of how we should be.”
Van looked at Jake for a moment, raising his eyebrows. There was a question there, and Jake had the answer.
Thankfully, after twenty minutes together, she hadn’t.
“So…” She smiled, coyly picking up her cup. “Have you talked to Amy yet?”
Ah, Van realized, the whole point of this coffee date.
“Um…” He thought about being coy as well, but it wasn’t in his nature—not when it came to his friends. “Didn’t Jake tell you?” Van winced slightly. He had been worried about talking about Jake with her, and he brought up the guy’s name.
She set her cup down. “Why would Jake tell me?”
“Amy and I had a date last night.”
Her face lit up. “Van! That’s fantastic. What did you think of her?”
He looked down at his coffee cup. He still wasn’t sure what he thought about Amy; mostly he thought about his last conversation with Jake, and what it meant to “try” and to “fix” them. Sometimes he hated words. “Um, she’s funny and cute,” he said honestly. “We had a good time.”
Elena wasn’t convinced. She briefly wondered what Jake knew that Van wasn’t telling her.
When he finally looked up and found her gaze on his, Van felt his mouth open, and it was like a switch, he could admit what he really thought. “I want to like her.”
“But you don’t?”
“I’m…” He squeezed his eyes shut and remembered Jake and “fixing” them. “You know, she’s really great, and I do like her, but I think we’re just trying to see, take things slow. I didn’t feel…you know…” He shrugged.
“What?” She was concerned for Van and Amy. She didn’t want to have either one of them to get hurt. She knew Van was still struggling, still coming to terms with the change in all of their friendships. But when Jake had told her that Van was ready to go out with Amy, she thought they were moving past everything.
“I didn’t really feel…fireworks. I genuinely like her, but I got this friend vibe from her.”
“Well, that’s okay,” she assured him, making a note to call Amy and see if she got the same vibe from Van.
“I’m going out with her again,” Van continued, trying to get Elena to stop looking at him with that furrowed brow, and concern. “See if we can move past the friends-thing.” He shook his head, at his own attempts at speaking.
“Sure. And you never know,” she said, trying to reassure him.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, look at Jake and I. We were friends for like a year before we started dating.”
“Right,” he agreed, thinking more about him and Jake than him and Amy.
“Sometimes you just don’t know.” She gave him an encouraging smile. “A friend could turn into something you never expected.”
“Yeah. I guess there’s hope for me after all.”
Her smile deepened. “Exactly.”
*
An hour later, after finally moving the discussion away from Amy, and sharing a hug good-bye, Van decided to head back to his place. He had scripts for next week to look over. He was tempted to call Jake, maybe set up a time to run lines, but he decided to let Jake make the next move.
When his phone rang, Van never expected that next move to come so soon.
“Hey, Van.”
“Hi.”
“It’s Jake.”
“I know.”
“Oh, right. Caller ID?”
“No, I know your voice, Jake.”
“Right. Of course you do, because I talk to you how many times day?” he muttered, mostly to himself.
Van tried not to interrupt, because in the last week or so, they didn’t talk nearly as much as Van wanted. “So…?” he asked. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear from Jake, but lately he never knew how any conversation would end.
“Yeah, the reason I’m calling. Do you want to get some coffee?”
Van chuckled softly. “Uh, no.”
“Oh,” Jake didn’t even bother to hide the disappointment from his voice.
“I just spent the last hour with Elena having coffee,” he was quick to assure Jake. Van was hoping he would still get to see him.
“Oh, sure, that would explain it. So…lunch? You know, so you could ask me like a million questions.”
Van smiled to himself. So far, this “fixing” them was going better than he thought. “I’m smiling,” he admitted.
“Okay.”
“Sorry, it’s just something Amy and I…” When he was greeted by silence, Van added, “Never mind. That deli you like so much, in an hour?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”
Van released a breath. I have got to stop walking on pins and needles around him.
*
When Jake walked into the deli, he found Van immediately. It was a little early for the lunch crowd, but Van was talking with their usual waitress, and Jake heard him laugh. He found himself smiling gently, hoping that would be a sign of how their lunch would go.
“I can’t believe I beat you,” Van said, when Jake slid into the booth across from him.
“Yes, considering you’re notoriously late all the time.”
“Notorious?” Van quirked an eyebrow. “You make me sound like a serial killer.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“Politician?”
And Jake laughed outright. “Never.”
Their waitress came back and placed a soda in front of Jake. He glanced up at her in surprise, not realizing she’d noticed his arrival. “Van ordered it for you,” she explained.
“Oh,” his gaze met the blonde’s.
Van smiled shyly. “You’re notoriously prompt,” he explained.
Jake smiled in return. After their waitress took their order and left, Jake said, “So, um…” He picked up his straw wrapper and wrapped it around his finger a few times. “Did you have a nice time with Elena?”
“Sure. It was great. I miss her sometimes.”
“I know what you mean,” Jake murmured, a smile tugging at his lips.
Van wanted to ask Jake to continue, but thinking about Jake talking about Elena made his stomach turn. “I was actually thinking of calling you…when you…when you called,” Van mentioned.
Jake looked at Van for a moment. His eyes narrowed gently, he’d never heard Van stumble so much over words, and usually Jake had to work to speak over Van. “About?”
“Running lines.”
“Oh.” Jake took a sip.
“You sound disappointed,” Van said. And immediately wanted to reach out and grab the words, shove them back in.
“I am.”
“That I wanted to run lines?” he asked, thinking it was so odd, because Jake was the one who liked to prepare.
“No.” He swallowed. “After last night…” He let out a breath. He’d planned this, he’d thought about things he wanted to say, friendship things, stuff that was just them. Now sitting across from Van, all Jake could think about was sweaty palms.
Slowly, Van’s hand reached across the table, and he placed it next to Jake’s. Jake couldn’t look down, he knew what Van had done, he’d seen the movement, but he couldn’t find out if Van’s palm was sweating again, and he wondered how on earth Van knew Jake was wondering about his sweaty palms.
“Jake?”
“When I saw you again, I didn’t want it be about work.”
Van’s hand slid back and he let it fall into his lap. Jake felt his heart rate returned to normal. “Good. That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.”
“I guess you haven’t talked to Amy then,” Jake replied.
“Uh, no, I’m going to call her tomorrow.”
“Another date?” Jake asked.
Before Van could reply their waitress returned with their food. Both guys thanked her, and then Van went about re-arranging his sandwich, getting just the right equivalent of tomato and pickle.
“Van?” Jake prompted.
He glanced up. “What?”
“Do you have another date planned with Amy?” Jake reached for his own sandwich, taking a bite.
“A play. I’m going to get tickets, and we’ll go out again soon.”
“Oh…that’s…you know…that’s good.” Jake tried to smile, thinking that once Van moved past him, maybe all of these awkward stops and starts in their conversations would magically disappear.
“I know you and I usually—that’s our thing, but—”
“No.” He shook his head. “It’s great, Van, you know, and Amy. Elena will be so happy for you two.”
“What about you?” Van asked. Jake always mentioned Elena, what Elena would like, what would make Elena happy. But what did Jake want?
“I want Elena to be happy, and you too, Van. You know…I know we were talking about a start, but you’re my best friend and I don’t know how to not have you in my life. It’s not just because we work together,” he was quick to assure. “You’re just…”
“Me too.”
“Good.”
They continued on, eating in mostly silence. About half-way through their meal, their waitress, Lori, came up to them. “Everything okay guys?” she asked.
Van looked up at her in surprise. “Sure, food’s great as always, Lori.”
“Then why are you guys so quiet? We can usually hear you fighting about something, or laughing over nonsense, all the way in the back.”
Jake’s gaze met Van’s, and Van raised his eyebrows, daring Jake to answer her question. “Would you believe we’ve actually run out of things to talk about?”
Van let out a bark of laughter, but tried to cover it with a cough. Lori shook her head, and tried to suppress a smile as well. “No,” she replied, and Van’s cough turned into a choke.
Lori reached down and gently patted Van on the shoulder. “You okay, kid?”
“Yeah.” Van reached out for his drink and took a sip, stealing a look at Jake, and seeing a blush stain Jake’s cheeks. “He’s just kidding. We’re trying to see how long we can go without fighting, and we’ve found, we can’t talk without fighting, so we’re not talking.”
Jake’s gaze met Van’s and one side of his mouth slid up.
Lori knew they were lying, but she wasn’t about to get into one of their debates, either. “Okay,” she replied. “Just let me know if you need anything else.” She set the check on the table, knowing that that would incite them to start talking. They had the same argument at the end of every meal there: who would pay?
When neither guy made a move for the check, she decided escape would be the best choice.
“What?” Van asked, his eyes had yet to leave Jake’s, but he noticed the smirk, and it was deepening.
“You lie too well, Van.”
“I’m a great actor,” he retorted.
Jake chuckled softly. “That’s not the same thing.”
“Do you want me to tell her it’s because I don’t know how to talk to you about Amy?”
“You don’t know how to talk to me about Amy?” And Jake went from prepping for a fight to immediate concern.
“Jake…” Van smiled sadly.
“What?” The lines around Jake’s eyes softened and Van knew this Jake, his friend, and somehow that gave him the strength he needed.
“I feel like I’m having two conversations with you. One with my best friend, the guy I would talk to about a girl, this girl I went on a date with, asking advice, maybe just telling you, I’m not sure what to do.”
Not wanting to travel down that path of conversation, Jake asked, “And the other one?”
“I’m with this guy, Jake, who I really like. And when I’m talking about this girl, I’m looking for clues and hoping maybe he’s just a little jealous.”
Jake sat looking at Van.
“And you don’t…you don’t want to hear that,” Van answered Jake’s response for him.
“You’re right. But I’m your best friend, too, and if I want to be your best friend, I have to hear this.”
“That I want you to be jealous?” the blonde asked, not sure he wanted to admit what he was feeling.
“No…” Jake shook his head. “About you and Amy.”
Van knew what he wanted that to mean, what he hoped Jake was trying to say to him, but everything he knew and everything he wanted seemed so jumbled lately, he wanted a billboard with blinking Vegas lights. “Jake?”
“I don’t want to hear about you and Amy.”
“But last night…”
“I’m trying,” Jake admitted and winced. “And I hate that I have to, but I am trying.”
“So we have to pick and choose what we say?” he asked.
“Van—”
“No.” He grimaced. “No. Best friends don’t do this.”
“Best friends don’t start talking about wanting each other, either,” Jake countered, his voice soft, and deep.
And it scared Van. He didn’t know if he could have this fight with Jake, because it would be one fight that wouldn’t end with them laughing about it in a few days.
“It’s your turn to pay,” Van replied, sliding out of the booth before walking out of the deli.
*
When Van got into work the next day, he headed to Billy’s dressing room. He wondered if he’d find Jake with Billy, since Jake wasn’t waiting for him the other day, but what Van needed to talk about—he couldn’t have Jake there for it.
“Can we talk?” Van asked, the moment he walked in the door.
Billy was sitting on the couch, looking over his script, and Van hated to disturb him.
“Sure.”
“Yeah? If you’re busy…”
“Naw.” Billy shook his head, and stood up, beckoning Van in. “What’s going on?”
Van shut the door behind him with a sigh. “I’m not sure what to do about this girl, Amy.”
“So…why are you coming to me?” he asked, taking a seat again.
“Why not?” Van asked, trying to keep the suspicion out of his voice.
“I just figured you’d talk to Jake,” Billy said simply and slowly, like he was teaching Van a new language.
Van grimaced slightly and sat down on Billy’s couch. “Not everything in my life revolves around Jake.”
“I thought he was your best friend.”
“We’ve…kind of been having problems,” Van told the table in front of him, not ready to look at someone else while he said the words—it would make them feel too real, otherwise.
“Lovers’ spat?” Billy teased, he couldn’t help himself. He was hoping Van would crack a smile or something.
“Billy!” All he got was Van’s angry voice and bulging eyes.
“Wait for real?” he checked. “You and Jake aren’t doing the foreplay fighting? It’s like a real fight?” Billy never would have believed it, not with Jake and Van.
Van doubted going to see Billy, but all the regular people he would talk to—Jake, Elena—were who he was having troubles with. He let out a breath, deciding to share some—but not all—of what he was feeling. “Ever since Jake and Elena…it’s different.”
“Are they cutting you out?”
“No.”
“Sharing too much?”
“Not really.”
“Okay, Van.” Billy tapped him on the arm. “You’ve got to give me something here. I can’t read you the way Jake does.”
Van looked up at Billy, fear and discomfort naked in Van’s brown eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean? It’s like titles and talking around who we are and what we want, and when honesty tries to rear its head, I just—”
“Van, what is going on with you? You freaked out the other day, after just talking to this Amy girl. You’re coming to me for advice.”
He chuckled. “Billy, what’s wrong with you?”
“I’m not Jake,” he said simply. “The two of you—it’s like…”
“What?” he asked, resignation making his voice soft and his shoulders slumped. “Because I don’t seem to know anymore.”
Billy turned, setting one of his legs up on the couch, so he could face Van. “It’s like the first day I met you. Jake was right there with you, of course. You guys were walking into the green room—arguing about something and Marnie…” His voice trailed off when the object of his own affections made a mental appearance.
Van watched Billy’s face change and saw the smile tugging at his lips. Van almost asked Billy to continue, but he wasn’t sure where all of this was going.
“Marnie…” Billy continued, “rolled her eyes and mentioned I’d have to wait until one of you won or you called a draw, because you wouldn’t even realize anyone else was around you until you did.”
Van smiled gently to himself, thinking that was exactly who he and Jake were. But what did that mean?
“She was right,” Billy said, cutting through Van’s thoughts. “I can’t remember if you or Jake won, but then you introduced yourselves and started finishing each other’s sentences. It was like…” His voice trailed off trying to remember where he’d seen two people like that before. “It was like watching my parents. But more than that, it’s not like you guys aren’t friendly or anything, but if one of you is alone, we can talk—like this—but when the two of you are together…” Billy’s voice trailed off, trying to think of the best way to describe it. “It’s like this bubble is around you and no one can be a part of it.”
Van sighed. “Well, our bubble’s burst,” he said with a sad shrug. “And maybe that’s for the best.”
Billy grabbed Van by the shoulder, forcing Van to look at him. “How could you say that? I’d kill to have someone get me the way Jake gets you.”
“Not someone,” Van smiled. “Marnie.”
Billy leaned back a little. “Well, I’d prefer a bit more action than the two of you get, but, yeah.” He shrugged.
“Billy!” But this time there was a hint of laughter in Van’s voice instead of alarm.
“Okay. Okay.” He held up his hands. “I like her and it’s not what I expected. We’ve known each other, been friends for awhile, and we work together, but one day, I just…it just hit me.”
“Like a sucker punch to the gut,” Van answered that inexplicable reaction Billy had had to Marnie.
“Yeah… Now if I could just figure out a way for her to—”
“Yeah,” Van agreed.
It was on the tip of Billy’s tongue to ask how Van knew what he was feeling, but suddenly a voice announced over the PA system, “Billy Magnussen, Kelley Hensley you’re wanted on set!”
Billy jumped up. “I’ve got to go.”
Van stood up as well. “Thanks. I hope it works out for you and Marnie.”
He shrugged. “I’m working on it. And with you and Jake—”
“I’m working on it.”
*
When Van walked into his dressing room, Jake was waiting for him.
“Hi,” the blonde said with surprise. “I, uh…” He shook his head. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure if you’d be here.” He went over to pick up his script. “Do you want to run lines?”
“No,” Jake replied quietly, his gaze never leaving Van’s.
Van dropped the script. “Oh.”
The brunette took a couple of steps towards his co-star. “I mean, yes, but I have to say something first.”
“Okay,” he said, preparing himself, but for what Van didn’t know.
“I’ve never been friends with someone who wanted more,” Jake admitted.
“I’ve never wanted a friend the way I want you.”
“Yeah…and see…” The brunette ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s things like that—”
“Why don’t you want me to talk to you about Amy? You were the one who asked me about her. I’ve only had one date and I feel like everything depends on how I feel about her, and how she feels about me, and what you think, and what Elena thinks, and—”
“That’s how I feel when I talk to you about Elena,” Jake rushed to add, thankful that they had found something in common, something he could talk to Van about.
“We’re friends?” Van asked, and he hated that he had to ask that.
“Best friends,” Jake assured him.
He shook his head. “And we can’t talk to each other. And we have to find a way to work together.”
Jake reached out and grabbed Van’s hands. “Please stop reminding me of how we should be.”
“So what do we do?”
Jake released Van’s hands. “I don’t know, but as awkward and uncomfortable as all this is…not being in your life—”
“Oh, god,” Van groaned, “the very thought—”
“For me too,” Jake admitted sadly.
Van smiled softly. “I needed to hear that.”
“And I needed to say it, don’t you think?”
Van looked at Jake for a moment, raising his eyebrows. There was a question there, and Jake had the answer.
Jake closed the gap between them, tugging Van close, pulling him into a hug. Van burrowed his head into Jake’s shoulders and snaked his arms around Jake’s waist. Jake’s own hands reached up, patting Van on the back a couple of times. He finally stopped, letting his hand rest between Van’s shoulder blades. Van tugged again, pulling Jake as close as possible. Jake’s hand slid up, until his fingers threaded into the hair at the base of Van’s neck, and Van felt the breath leave his body.
The guys held each other for a moment, and just when Van realized there was no other place he wanted to be—no other place he belonged—he jumped, knowing he was going into that territory again, and he couldn’t.
When he pulled out of Jake’s arms, he saw surprise and a little hurt in Jake’s eyes. Or just wishful thinking? “Ready to run lines?” Van asked, a false note of cheer in his voice.
“Yeah,” Jake replied softly. He opened his mouth to say more, but watching Van skitter over to get his script, he decided against it.
- Mood: curious
